It took me a very long time and a lot of patience, before I finally found the perfect grief-counselor for me. At the time, about 8 months after my husband’s sudden death, I had already sifted through 4 counselors and therapists, one after another after another after another. Each one was either way too expensive, or they didnt “get me” at all, or…
In the Hell
I’m halfway through the 5 year mark since your death, sweet husband. I have been to hell and back, and then back around again, never really actually fully leaving. Its not possible to leave the Hell. Its just not possible. Because the hell, is that you died. You are dead. That will always be the Hell, no matter what I do, who Im…
New Years Eve Blues
Tomorrow is New Years Eve. My husband and I never really did anything special on New Years Eve. Before I was married, I never really did anything special on New Years Eve. When I was a lot younger, a teenager, some friends and I went into Boston for First Night, froze our asses off, and stood with the thousands of others to count down to…
Christmas Is Christmas Again
Everyone is different, with this grief path. That is what we are all told. And it’s true. For example … Some may have chosen to call this a “grief journey.” I call it a path. Or a tsunami, when Im feeling very feisty. I hate the word journey. It doesn’t represent what this is. It sounds too clean. Too organized. Too fun. Almost…
Leaving
Today is Friday. On Wednesday, December 21st, just five short days from now, my brother and my mom will be driving to NY from Massachusetts, picking up a U-Haul to attach onto my brothers truck, showing up here to my apartment, packing up all my stuff, and me, and my two kitties – and driving back to Massachusetts. I will then be starting a new…
Things That Haven’t Happened Yet
There are lots of things in my life that haven’t happened yet. Things that are on the verge of happening, hopefully. Things I am patiently, or impatiently, waiting on. Things that still need to marinate. Things that are still in development. Things that haven’t quite been defined. Things that have no guarantee of happening at all. Things…
Just Today, Not Tomorrow
I have come to a place where I am terrified of the future. My future. And THE future. The future of where our country is going, the future of the state of things…. On and on and on. I have felt this sense of anxiety and panic and fear, since losing my husband suddenly, over 5 years ago. But now …. It almost feels worse. Lately. …
Hangover
Remember those Thanksgiving days, when you were a kid, and just after the giant meal was over, Uncle Bill or your dad or Grandpa Joe, or all three or more , would sit in the living room on the couch and recliner chairs, and proceed to unbutton the top button of their pants so they could breathe better? Or that feeling you got after eating ninety…
Further Away
Do you ever feel like the life that you had, and the person you were with (who died), is just slipping further and further away? Does it ever feel like you’re driving down the road, some long and unknown highway, with no destination or reason, and when you look in your rearview mirror – that life that you knew just gets smaller and smaller? Do…
A Slice of Hope
So, what Im about to write here today may, on the surface, seem to have nothing at all to do with grief or with being widowed – and maybe it doesnt, but it also does. This election and everything surrounding it, has affected me in ways I cannot even describe. It has brought back the intense grief of losing my husband, and I did not expect those…
Beautifully Broken
I have always believed that we are all connected – that every one of us on this earth, connects to each other in both tiny and ginormous ways – sometimes without even knowing it or realizing it. Some connections are obvious right away, others become more obvious with time, and still others are a puzzle to be figured out at a later date. Whatever…
Its My Anniversary, and My Husband Is Dead
Today is my wedding anniversary.October 27, 2006.It is late at night now, and I have gone through the entire day,of my anniversary,alone.Without my husband. This would have been our 10-year anniversary.An entire decade together.All the things that might have happened,in those 10 years. The house we might have searched for together,and bought.Or the…