I hate my anxiety. I hate that my husband died, while I was asleep, at home, and he had just left for work. I hate that a ringing phone, in the early morning hours, will forever make me panicky, and give me that feeling, of knives sitting in my throat.   I hate that he just disappeared, from my life. He wasn’t sick. He wasn’t ever sick. And then,…

Its amazing to me, how powerful grief can be. How it can take over. How it can make you feel things you havent felt in years. How it can bring you right back to that day, or those weeks, where you lived in darkness, and where you were just trying to comprehend that the person you married just 4 years ago, was really, actually, truly, dead. Most…

There is so much going on in my head right now. Its hard to think straight.  I forgot to write in here last week.  Im a bad, bad widow.  Im so sorry.  I forgot to write because I was away in Maine, with my new love, celebrating our 8 month anniversary, and Valentines Day.  It was my first really good Valentines Day since Don died, 6 years ago.

Id like to write today about the concept of being or feeling “blessed” or “lucky”, what these terms mean to me personally, and how people’s views about faith directly affect their grief thoughts. I know and I respect that each of us has varying and different views on faith, God, and religion. Generally speaking, I think that people should…

When you are busy living and surviving and struggling inside your own life, it is often hard or damn near impossible to be able to recognize your own progress, shifts, and changes. Time goes by and you may feel stuck in place, or like things are moving in slow motion or not at all, when the reality may be quite different. Living life and grieving…

Lately, Ive been feeling some sort of way.  Tired.  Spent.  Sick, but not like flu sick.  Heart sick.  Soul sick.  Something feels off.  I feel off.    Introspective. Quiet. Everything seems like Slow motion.  Im not quite sure what this is.  But I do know what it is.  Maybe. I think this might be my life now.  This might be “grief,…

I am so beyond pissed right now. I just wrote a great big blog post that took me over an hour to craft and create. It was perfect. It was all about all the things that nobody tells you about, all the things that will happen and that you feel and go through, when your person dies.  It was fucking perfect.  I clicked SEND. And it disappeared.  I…

So today is Michele’s birthday. Who is Michele? Well, if youre a reader of this blog, you probably already know the answer to that question. And if this amazing woman has affected your life in any of the incredible and many ways she has affected mine, than you are a very fortunate person. But, just in case you are living under a rock and have no…

Within the widowed community, in the private widowed groups online mostly, Ive been hearing a lot of talk this week about holiday cards. Widowed people being upset or angered by or feeling very real pain – having to look at a Christmas card sent to them, with a picture of a happy and complete family, where nobody is dead, smiling and glittery with…

So, here’s a fun fact: The holidays are torture for widowed people.  Hell, the regular days are torture.  But the holidays …. they shine a big red light on the torture, and then burn you with the beams. I’m 6 years out from my loss.  This is my very first Christmas with a new love in my life.  The first one in 6 years, that I feel excited to…

It’s been one of those weeks.  My anxiety is through the roof, and Im not sure why.    Well, thats not entirely true.  I always know why.  I’m a sudden death widow.    My husband, at age 46, young and healthy and never sick a day in his life (literally – the man called out once from work in all the years I knew him, and it was so he could…