Lately, with the holiday season coming into full swing I’ve been feeling more and more overwhelmed. Another holiday season without Erik. Another holiday season where I’m the solo parent trying to create this magical joyful season for my kids when I feel very much the opposite. I’ve thought long and hard about scaling back Christmas. Maybe not doing it all together. But then it takes me back to the talks Erik and I had when we envisioned our future with our kids. We wanted to give them the childhood we both didn’t necessarily get. We wanted to create those holidays that they wanted to return to even when they were adults. And with those conversations in my head playing on repeat, I couldn’t bear the thought of not doing as much as I could for the holiday season at this moment in my life, regardless of how much it may hurt me. Each day I’m reminded that when my days stand still and I still feel as if it was yesterday that I lost Erik, the kids’ days don’t stand still. The days I have with them don’t stand still. And they are only small for so long. Sometimes I feel like I’m battling between wanting to live in the past to still feel Erik, yet wanting to not miss a moment of the present even if my heart is hurting every second of the day. So I do it for them. This is my second year doing Christmas without Erik and I have been able to do more than I was able to do last year, but still not to the extent of when Erik was here. Maybe with time, I keep telling myself. Or maybe Christmases will just always look different without him. Maybe my efforts going forward will look different. As each day passes in December and the holiday nears I ask myself, “Can I do it?” And there are times when I start planning for Christmas or I go out and look for presents and it all just becomes a little too overwhelming. Whether it’s stuffing envelopes, wrapping presents or even walking the aisles of the stores it brings me back to doing it all with you and it hits me again I’m doing it all without you.

This morning was one of those overwhelming mornings. Another morning of waking up and realizing yet another day has passed bringing me closer to the end of December. All the tasks that needed to be done this morning on top of all the tasks that needed to get done before Christmas all swirled in my head as I was trying to get the twins ready for school. It was one of those times where the only question that kept replaying in my head was, how can you do all this? Can you do all this? As I drove them to school, I heard them in the background as they took a backseat to the ramblings in my mind. Then all of a sudden I heard Wyatt ask me a question, but it was a mumble and I couldn’t quite make out what he was saying so I said “I don’t know.” I tried to follow it with, what did you say sweetheart? But before I could even get those words out he very loudly and confidently said to me, “Yes Mama, yes you can!” As if this whole time he was hearing what was going on in my head. And in that one second, I looked back at him and he looked at me and smiled with the biggest smile and then just went back to talking with his sister. I turned back around and smiled. A breath of relief washed over me. I couldn’t believe what I had just heard, but it was exactly what I needed to hear. Although I’m sure he was asking me if I could get him some toy or take him somewhere, it was still those exact words I needed to hear. Yes, you can.

And just like that, without even knowing it, he changed my mindset for the rest of the day.