Each year since Tony died, I have taken the kids on a vacation the week between Christmas and New Years. We’ve been to Disney World, Jamaica, Mexico, and this year I took the boys on their first ever cruise. I find myself counting these vacations to remember how many holidays he’s missed.
Traveling over the holidays protects my heart from having to be surrounded by my friends as they welcome in the new year with their husbands/wives. However, I don’t usually find anyone like me, traveling solo with their kids, on these trips. There is usually an awkward moment somewhere along the way as we meet fellow travelers.
I thought it might be easier to meet people on a cruise since we’re all trapped on the same ship for a week. I even attended a single traveler’s happy hour the first night in an attempt to find a few friendly faces. There were a handful of women who showed up, I didn’t mesh immediately with anyone, and I never saw them again. However, we were on a massive ship, so it was harder to run into the same people all the time.
The one person we did see every day was our waiter in the main dining room.
Our first dinner, he asked us the basic get to know you questions. He learned our names, who has a food allergy, and where we were from. Then he asked where dad was. My heartrate increased but I calmly told this stranger that he had passed away. Then it was his turn for an increased heartrate, he immediately apologized. Although curiosity preserved and he had one more follow up question. Due to a language barrier, I wasn’t sure if he asked me how he died or how long ago he died. I chose to tell him that it has been almost 4 years. He expressed his condolences to us and told the boys they have a strong mom.
My hope is he thinks twice before asking a solo parent about the other parent’s whereabouts in the future. Based on his reaction, I’m pretty sure I was his first widowed diner with younger children.
While I want to protect my kids from being uncomfortable when these questions arise. I think it’s important for them to see me handle the inquiries. I remained calm, gave basic answers, and did not have to provide extra details because someone asked. Over the years, they too will be questioned about their father’s absence. If they see me modeling how to respond in a direct and succinct manner, they know they can follow suit.
This isn’t a toolbox I ever thought I’d be helping my kids build, but here we are. And our waiter is right, I’m strong even if I don’t always want to be.
