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What Lies Within

Posted on: May 11, 2019 | Posted by: Bryan Martin

It’s an interesting thing how people around you say they understand and they will be there for you. However when you have a tough day and they respond by saying:

“I thought you said you were ok and moving on.”

“I was ok that day but there are no rules to what’s going on in my heart and my head.”

In all honesty I don’t know how to say what it feels like when you let someone in a little and they back away instead of standing by you. The best I can do is share the lyrics to P!NK’s song “Attic”

My Attic

P!nk

My attic is full of pages, full of crazy
Cluttered spaces that you could not cross
My attic is full of bones and full of hopeless
Young emotions that just won’t grow up

I keep hiding the keys in all these
Places even I can’t find
Hoping, one day, you’ll find them all
And I wanna let you see inside my attic

Inside this olive skin are paper thin
Illusions that I’m tougher than I am
And I’m guarded, castle walls from all the falls
And break up calls and never should’ve beens

But don’t go pushing too hard
I’m not so easy to manipulate
I will give you all of my secrets
If you promise you can brave my attic

And I swear, not tryna be vindictive
I’m just terrified that you might see me different
You’ll change your mind, tell me that I’m crazy
Tell me that I’m okay, tell me that you’ll stay

‘Cause my attic is silver plans and one night stands
That numbers can’t begin to calculate
My attic is up the stairs and waiting there
Are lonely nights, they keep me wide awake

I keep hiding the keys in all these
Places even I can’t find
Hoping, one day, you’ll find them all
‘Cause I wanna let you see inside my attic

My attic, my attic, my attic
My attic, my attic

 

 

Categories: Newly Widowed, Widowed, Widowed & Unmarried, Widowed Memories, Widowed Milestones, Widowed Emotions, LGBTQ+ Widowed

Bryan Martin

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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