In two weeks it will be three years since you took your last breath. So much has changed since you’ve been gone, yet sometimes it feels as if it was still just yesterday. I still very much feel as if I’m in survival mode. Each day I put on a brave face for the twins and as best as I can I try to make them feel as if nothing is wrong in their world for as long as time will allow before they truly understand where you have gone. Every day, I still get questions from them about where Daddy is. Every day it gets harder to explain as I see them getting closer to the realization that you will never come back and will never be a present part of their lives anymore. I continue to force myself to move forward with everything we wanted for them. And it’s tough. It’s tough to do it all alone. It’s tough to do it knowing you will never be by our sides again. You would be so proud of them. They are in everything you could possibly imagine and they are so so happy. Their big smile reminds me so much of you. Their happiness in everything reminds me so much of you. They are social butterflies just like you. You have missed so much, yet it’s only been three years. As I began enrolling them for kindergarten, I couldn’t believe how fast they are growing. How strange it feels to look at them and see time moving so fast yet feel as if it hasn’t moved at all when I think about you. I dread thinking about the future and figuring out how to explain to them what happened to you. I dread the day that they lose the innocence of thinking you are merely in the clouds. The day where their belief that one day you would just come home is gone, that’s a day I dread. But in the meantime, I am trying to hold on to all the happy memories of watching them grow each and every day, all the while wishing that you were physically here with us still. A part of me still wholeheartedly believes that you weren’t in your right mind when you left us, because if you were I don’t think you would have. Yet, a part of me has been starting to get angry with you when I see how much of their lives you are missing. How much you have made them miss out on by the decision you made. They will never get to share the rest of their lives with their dad. And that is something they will miss out on that I can’t fill for them. And that Erik, makes me angry. As I attend all their activities and shows, and recitals, it makes me sad that you aren’t right there cheering them on with me. But I promise to cheer as loudly as I ever would have for the both of us. You are missing everything that we wanted. And we are missing you.

Forever & Always
D