Posting this blog 16 years to the day after Vern passed … and spending this important week here in Calgary, Canada, honoring both Vern’s and Jim’s passings.

Vern died September 22, 2010  …  Jim died September 26, 2025

I do find it rather amazing that my loss dates fall within the same week, as do my two wedding anniversaries. This certainly wasn’t planned, but it does make me believe it was my destiny to marry these two wonderful men and carry them through those hard endings.

My memory often fails me but I can go back to those final days/hours with both Vern and Jim so very easily.  Every single one of the details. In full ‘living’ color.

Vern’s last words to me were “I see you”.  He so loved the movie Avatar … and if you’ve watched it, you know that those words are incredibly meaningful. We knew he only had a few days left.

Jim’s last words to me were “Thank you for taking such good care of me.” I had no idea he would be gone less than 6 hours later.

I’ve been asked if one kind of loss was easier than the other and I don’t see how it’s possible to answer that question. To be truthful, I don’t believe we should ever be asked to compare our loss(es) … or to ever hear “at least you didn’t …”

Sudden vs illness vs suicide – young vs old – kids vs no kids – young children vs teens vs adults – long marriage vs engaged vs newly married.  What is the point in comparing? Each loss is devastating and so very personal. Comparing won’t bring them back and it most definitely won’t help those they left behind. Losing our person is HARD no matter how it happened … because they were OUR person. Please be kind to your widowed friends. (Ok, I’ll get off my soapbox on that issue.)

I arrived in Canada Sunday afternoon. Easy flight, got into my hotel room early enough to unpack before heading to the hockey game. I scored an incredible seat just 3 rows from the ice and right next to the players’ tunnel. Now that was fun!  I did not feel 75 once I got to that seat! But I will say I sure did feel those steep steps it took to get down to my seat and back up. And trying to figure out exactly where my Uber driver was waiting for me after the game certainly reminded me that I’m old. Geez. That little map on your phone that is supposed to show you where THEY are and where YOU are might work if you know the area, but the roads around the Saddledome are not straight N/S/E/W. They are curves and circles. My driver finally put on his flashers to help me and I found him. And he laughed and said you were just here but walked away. Gah! He was a lovely young man and we had a great conversation about his hope to do a road trip to Vegas one day.

Since Sunday was a pretty full day, I kept my Monday calendar wide open. Only thing I HAD to do was write this blog so it could be posted Tuesday morning. My stamina is not what it used to be, so I have no problem whatsoever in taking breaks when I need them. And this introverted gal needs some alone time after doing a lot of ‘peopling’ (yeah – I’ll probably be taking some breaks during Camp, too). 

Today – Tuesday – is Vern’s day and my full day Banff tour – Lake Louise, Lake Moraine, Emerald Lake. It was important for me to do this alone. Yes, I’m going on a tour so there will be other people but I think I can manage it. Vern & I had planned this trip but never got around to doing it. So I want this day to be filled with precious alone time with nature and beauty that I can share in my heart with Vern (and Jim, too). Don’t want to have conversations with others. Don’t want to have to “be” anything for anyone else. Selfish? Perhaps. Sorry, not sorry.

Wednesday I’ll meet up with my Soaring Spirits Zoom friend from Ottawa for brunch and then we’re doing a Calgary Walking Tour together. We’ll join some other Campers for dinner that night at The Tower restaurant. And I’ve learned there’s another of our Zoom friends coming to Camp. Those Zoom sessions during Covid were so very special – and very much needed.

Camp activities begin Thursday, with workshop sessions starting on Friday.

Saturday is Jim’s day and it will be filled with Camp workshops, but I expect I will decide to skip a workshop or two and find a spot (probably the Quiet Room) where I can just sit with my feelings and memories. The day ends with the Camp banquet, which always includes a special time for attendees to honor their person(s). And then it all ends Sunday afternoon.

I wasn’t planning to do any volunteering at this Camp … but, come on now, how could I not volunteer at my 25th Camp since I’ve volunteered at every one of the Camps I’ve attended previously?  I do want to have the full Camp experience this time … go to the workshops, join others for lunch, have nice conversations … so I only signed up to help at the check-in desk on Thursday afternoon, help set up the Quiet Room and host one of the Cancer Loss tables at the ‘We Have a Widowed Person For That’ session on Friday and help pack things up on Sunday when Camp ends.

I’m quite sure I’ll be crashing in my hotel room at that point and will start packing so I’m ready for my Monday morning flight home.