Widow's Voice

The Living Bucketlist

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Photo by Chris Lawton on Unsplash

What a world. The twins and I have been on back-to-back trips for the last few months. We recently just got back this past Saturday from a trip to Japan and South Korea and wow, what a trip it was. It was another bucketlist item that Erik and I had. As I continue to travel with the twins, I can’t help but wish that Erik was still here to live in this moment with us. There were a few moments on our trip where I quietly thought to myself, “What a life…Erik would have loved this”. To see the love his kids also had for traveling, to see their eyes light up immersed in new culture, to see their larger-than-life smiles as they had new experiences, I just couldn’t believe that he was still truly gone. That he is missing every single moment of their lives. This was exactly what we wanted as a family. To travel and explore and have experiences we never had as kids with our parents. And as hard as it is to travel with them as a solo parent, I couldn’t imagine not giving them everything we had talked about, even if I have to do it alone…

And it was not easy. Nothing as a solo parent is easy, and traveling as a solo parent is definitely not easy. I get asked the question a lot about why I do it then? Why put myself through that? The answer is simple. For them. Because I know they are already missing out on something so big in their lives, for the rest of their lives, their father, and I will do everything in my power to at least not let them miss out on all the other dreams we had for them. And not just for them, but also for me. Because I will never get this time back with them. To share in these experiences and moments with them. The moments we have dreamed up for them. And because they are all that is left of Erik. And that reason is something that I hold so deeply in my heart.

As we are now in year three of our loss, I can’t help but think even more about all that will never be anymore. I think about the future even more now. All the things that are about to happen that will be different or that Erik will miss out on. All the dreams and plans we had as we hit each new year mark. Our bucketlist items. And boy, did we have a lot. Erik and I accomplished a lot since the list began back in 2013, but there was still so much left. And the traveling portion has continuously made me feel closer to Erik. It has even made me feel closer to Erik for our kids. I’m hoping once the twins are old enough, it will also help them feel closer to him. It’s something I promised myself I would continue doing, even though he is no longer here with us. Completing our bucketlist together as a family. The living bucketlist.

About Diana Mosson

Diana was widowed at 29. Her love story with her husband Erik began in the most unexpected of places, the Long Beach DMV. That day, it felt as though fate had brought them together. Their fairytale romance blessed them with a lifetime of love that would now be expressed through grief.

Saint Patrick’s Day of 2022 became the time stamp of when Diana’s life changed forever. The day that she became a widow and a solo parent to one and a half year old twins. The day that her husband died by suicide. The day that her training in emergency management kicked in as she tried to save her husband’s life. And the day that she learned her husband was suffering in silence.

Diana is sharing her story and experience as she navigates how to overcome this new reality in the hope that it will be someone else’s survival guide one day.