As summer draws near and we are at the finish line for yet another school year, the weight of being a solo parent has been even more apparent lately. First, it started with research and enrollment for kindergarten. The official public school days are about to begin, and I couldn’t wrap my head around it. Most days, I still feel as if a part of me still lives in that moment in time three years ago when our entire world changed and everything stood still. Other days, I can’t believe how fast time has flown by and how much Erik has missed. It’s been overwhelming trying to deal with it all alone. You would think I would be used to it by now, but every once in a while, it hits me. It hits me that I’m it. I’m the only decision maker. I’m the only do-er. I’m the one who is now solely responsible for the childhood of these two wonderful souls. The souls that we spent dreaming about. The souls we wanted to give everything to. The souls we had promised would have a different childhood than we did. All the questions and worries constantly rush through my mind for any big milestone or moment. Am I doing the right thing? I’ve always been a very decisive person. Now I’m not. Erik’s death has changed that. I’ve never felt more indecisive in my life, yet I’ve never had to be more decisive in my life. Even the smallest things are hard to decide now. Mostly deciding alone.

Second, it was the preparation for their graduation. Again, astonishment took over my mind. How could I already have TK graduates? How could this be possible when I still feel as if Erik barely just passed away? How have I been doing this solo all this time to now come upon our children’s first graduation already? Then it hits me. I have been doing it solo…caught up each day in trying to keep up with all the demands of solo parenthood, while also still trying to figure out my grief. Some days are less heavy than others, while other days are still very much survival-mode days. And for all the upcoming moments and milestones the next couple months, I realized that I have to take each day as it comes…easier said than done.

I try to live in the day-to-day now because most days, when I think of the future and doing it all alone, it becomes stressful and overwhelming. I want to do it all, but I realized that I’m just one person now, and trying my all is the best I can do.