Stay with me awhile
I only wanna talk with you
Losing Jim has brought back many of the feelings I had when I lost Vern nearly 16 years ago. Of course, those feelings never really went away but were tucked in a safe space most days. Perhaps this is a blessing.
Both of my men are now walking alongside me as I figure out what I’m supposed to be doing these days. The hearts. The feathers. The love.
Forty-one years with Vern; seven years with Jim; nine years alone. There are so many lovely memories and important lessons in each of those years.
But first I must just get through September … history shows it has not been kind to Vern, to Jim, to me.
September 2010
Vern was on chemo and dialysis, in a wheelchair, not eating well, receiving regular blood transfusions. And then, on the 14th, I had to call 911. The paramedics were able to gently lift him out of his recliner and settle him onto the gurney. And off to the hospital we went … again … I had lost count of how many times. Three days later he was moved to hospice and gone in five days.
September 2025
Jim was on chemo, barely able to use a walker, in the ER three times. Admitted to the hospital on the 18th – a colostomy, a bilateral nephrostomy and then discharged home. Gone 36 hours later.
The five weeks between August 23 and September 26 will always be important to me. Smiles and memories of 18-year-old Dianne and 70-year-old Dianne on her wedding days. Days that bring tears, days that will challenge me, days when I remember and acknowledge my strength during those really hard years, days when I remember the endings.
And now yet another challenge has been added to my September calendar. Sheila has a potentially serious kidney issue. Several vet visits and multiple tests over the past weeks and now referred to an internal medicine doctor for further evaluation. Awaiting appointment date. And I leave for Calgary in 5 days. Sigh.
But that roller coaster called life has also provided me with some real joy this month. I’ve unexpectedly reconnected with a couple of friends from my Brave Girl days that I had lost touch with. I’ll be seeing one of them after my Calgary trip when she will be nearby for a few days (in Phoenix instead of Maryland). And I’m going to plan a road trip to northern Utah to visit my other friend.
Those Brave Girl days were such an important part of my healing after Vern died. They led me to opportunities I never saw in my future … getting certified to teach courses and hold retreats and give free workshops. While I could not have survived without the precious widowed friends I made through Soaring Spirits, especially that old Widowed Village chat room … the Brave Girl retreats and activities allowed me to step outside the grief, get creative … and have a little fun! I let all of that slide shortly after I met Jim and moved to Pahrump. Although I did hold one local retreat (Jim actually helped me with fixing the meals for that one) and he went with me to a couple of Camp Widow weekends and helped me with registration. But then Covid hit and all of that activity stopped rather abruptly. Most of my creative ‘stuff’ is now in boxes and bins but I’m feeling ready to try to jump back in. Not to hold retreats or teach but perhaps find a way to offer those free workshops again.
