Widow's Voice

Another New Year, Another Chapter Without You

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Photo by Georgia de Lotz on Unsplash

As I sit here on New Year’s Eve reflecting on my day compared to all those past New Year’s Eves I can’t help but daydream about what we would be doing if you were still here today. Thinking about all our past memories and all those memories yet to be made that you will continue to miss. It’s hard to think about starting another year, yet again without you physically in our lives. I watch as each year goes by since you’ve been gone and I see how much has grown and changed since. I watch our kids’ curiosity about you grow. Wondering where you went and when you’ll be back. I wonder how much they truly remember of you. I wish to believe that they still remember you holding them or putting them to bed each night, or dancing with you in our living room. This year has been another tough one without you. I don’t know if there will ever be a year that won’t be tough without you, but this one really tested my strength. Everyone has been talking about their New Year’s resolutions and if I had believed in doing them it would be to continue to survive. This year I’ve noticed being solo more. All the aspects of being solo. Doing all the house stuff without you. Doing all the activities without you. All the finances, life decisions. But most importantly doing the parenting without you. That has to be one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in my life and each year seems to be getting harder. I find myself feeling your void more loudly as each year passes. I’m not sure if it is getting harder to do things without you as I feel like I should be able to be used to it a little more, or if it’s just me feeling that void more deeply now and wishing that you were here with me. Here for the twins. Here for me. Here for us and our lives. I hope that this coming year is more gentle on us as I start to be more and more aware each year that the reality of you being gone is something that wasn’t just a dream. So tonight I focus on the time with our kids. I focus on making their childhood everything we have ever wanted for them even if one of the most important parts of that will forever be missing. Another year without you. Another year missing you. Another year learning to survive in our reality.

About Diana Mosson

Diana was widowed at 29. Her love story with her husband Erik began in the most unexpected of places, the Long Beach DMV. That day, it felt as though fate had brought them together. Their fairytale romance blessed them with a lifetime of love that would now be expressed through grief.

Saint Patrick’s Day of 2022 became the time stamp of when Diana’s life changed forever. The day that she became a widow and a solo parent to one and a half year old twins. The day that her husband died by suicide. The day that her training in emergency management kicked in as she tried to save her husband’s life. And the day that she learned her husband was suffering in silence.

Diana is sharing her story and experience as she navigates how to overcome this new reality in the hope that it will be someone else’s survival guide one day.