In April, I started with a new therapist, and I’ve been seeing her consistently since our first session. Today we were discussing secondary losses towards the end of our session. Just as the bulk of my session was winding down, I hit on a new topic that was bigger than the 2 minutes we had remaining.

The crux of it, is how unknown my future feels.

Tony and I didn’t have a well thought out, solid plan for when we became empty nester retirees. But knowing I would be doing it with him was grounding in its own sense. I could envision us bickering whether we’d go city, suburb, or rural. Each of us leaning towards opposite ends of that spectrum.

Now, my goal remains in getting all three of my boys through high school in this house. That is seven more years here, supporting them. After that, it’s a mystery to me.

Maybe I’ll stay a few more years while/if they are finishing college. It’s possible I could meet someone locally to share the rest of my years with. Or maybe I’ll finally move away from the Midwest.

I think we would have moved into the next stage of life at a slow pace. We would have had the pool installed and that would have kept us in this house longer. I often look around the house and think of the remodeling ideas that he ran out of time to start.

It’s unsettling to imagine what comes after parenting and being alone. It reminds me of when I went to college out of state. I moved onto campus and had the freedom to build new friendships and opportunities without the expectations from home.

There is a part of me that can see the excitement in having the possibility of more than one path. That can feel kind of icky too. I’d always chose to have him here instead. But it’s okay to daydream instead of dreading the future too.