shock & grief / hope    ~   ups / downs    ~   hurt feelings / kindness

unexpected disappearances / lovely returns

lots of tears / but also some laughter

loneliness / community   ~   isolation / travel

 

“You’ll be fine … you’ve done this before”

When someone said those words to me just a couple of days after Jim died it hurt. It felt like they were diminishing my loss. But, ya know, now that a year has passed I guess what she said was true. I am still standing. And probably much of that is because I’ve ‘done this before’.

I survived this huge loss 16 years ago at a far more vulnerable time of my life. If I was able to do it back then, well I think I’m going to be able to do it again this time. I am grateful I have my old blog to look back at and see how I handled things that first time. It’s a reminder that I did survive it all. The good. And the bad. And I can do that again. I AM doing that again.

As I mentioned in last week’s Widow’s Voice blog, and it really stood out to me while reading my old personal blog this week, is how important it was that I found new communities to help me find my way and fill my days – Widowed Village, Camp Widow and Brave Girls. Some new beautiful friendships, both online and in person. Allowed me to help others. Gave me a creative outlet. Provided me with new learning opportunities. Encouraged me to travel.

The old Widowed Village chat room was a life saver for me that first year – as were a couple of online cancer-related loss groups I participated in. I came home from work each night and jumped right in. I don’t think I would have done well had I not found them. Connecting with others who truly understand – even if just online – makes a world of difference. I was blessed to meet some of these people in person.

I attended my first Camp Widow the week before my first wedding anniversary after Vern died. And then I attended and volunteered at each of the Camps and for Soaring Spirits for the next ten years. Started a local regional group. I was at the first Camp in Calgary on the one year anniversary of Jim’s passing. How wonderful to be able to reconnect there with some of those special people I met at those early Camps and on the Covid Zooms.

I found Brave Girls, and while it’s no longer active it made a huge difference in my life. I attended my first Brave Girls Camp on my second wedding anniversary after losing Vern and eventually taught some of their courses and held retreats. I just reconnected this week with one of my Brave Girl friends. She lives in Maryland but she called to let me know she would be in Phoenix so I hopped on a plane (thanks to my Southwest points) and spent the day with her.

Travel has played an important role in my healing. That first Christmas after Vern died I escaped to Key West. The ocean once again soothed my soul. The year I retired, I traveled to Costa Rica for an art retreat and celebrated my 64th birthday there. All of those Camp Widows in San Diego, Myrtle Beach, Toronto, Tampa, Calgary. This past Christmas, the first since Jim died, I visited my brother and sister-in-law in Tennessee. Their home was so beautifully decorated for the holidays that it felt like a gift to fuel my missing Christmas spirit. I think more traveling has to be on my list for this next year. I just need to learn how to travel more lightly. A friend assures me it’s possible to travel with just a carry-on, so I may give that a try. It sure sounds rather daunting.

So while I’m feeling old with this sore knee/leg thing that won’t go away, I’m so very grateful for my time at the Calgary Camp. It – and the beautiful friends I shared time with there – have made a real difference. I feel ready to try to get back to living my life. One day at a time. My old blog shows me that it probably won’t be easy. And they do say Year 2 can be harder than that year of firsts, so we’ll see.

I’m going to try to do what I posted on my old blog just after my ‘year of firsts’ was over:

So today is Day 1 of my resolve to make some changes, to grow, to figure out who I am and what I need to do.  Think I’ll start by making a list that I will post on the bathroom mirror so I see it every morning. I can do this.  https://amyelomawidowsjourney.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-year-of-firsts-is-over.html