Hello Fellow Wids!

I live in gratitude to Soaring Spirits for having provided a safe environment to grieve in community, and the many opportunities to heal, grieve, celebrate, connect, all the things! I am excited to be the newest blogger, and I thank Kelley for the warm transition. She’s awesome! I look forward to sharing, and I just wanted to introduce myself in this first blog.

My late partner, Lynn, passed away suddenly of a pulmonary embolism on December 3, 2014. We met in 2004, and together we created a life dedicated to community service. We spent as much time together as we possibly could, and also spent tons of time with both of our families. I consider December 3, 2014 as the first day in our new “long distance” relationship. (“Death ends a life, not a relationship,” and all those other mantras and such.) These days, I mark December 3 as MY anniversary of having survived and thrived yet another year of my grief journey. 10 years later, while I can still feel that nauseating shock when she passed, I also look back at my widow journey with relief, amazement, confusion, bittersweetness, gratitude, all the things! And high on my list of things I am grateful for, is Camp Widow.

I attended my first Camp Widow in San Diego in July 2015 with a ton of apprehension and feelings of isolation. I left two days later with so much hope, inspiration, and the phone numbers of three particular widows, who became my “grief life support” via group texts for the following year. Our partners had all passed within a few months of each other, so our milestones occurred around the same time. We were able to share our experiences with anniversaries, including providing a cautious “heads up” to one another, on what to realistically, possibly anticipate. I am so grateful that I learned to “grieve with community” so soon after Lynn passed!

While it is a path I walk alone, I have been surrounded by friends and family who supported me as best they could. But it has been my close knit, widowed circle who bear witness to my triumphs and frustrations in a way that I feel seen and understood. It is my Widow Group’s What’sApp Chat that I go to when I consider getting rid of another piece of Lynn’s furniture that I swore I would never part with, or when a Jury Duty notice for her comes in the mail, or when I need to get on my roof to clean it and she is not here to tell me not to, or when I have a crush on someone, or when I had to put my dog down, or when my Mom passed, or a million other things that I know only a widow will “get” in the way that I need at that moment. A widowed friend reached out to me immediately after Lynn passed, and perfectly described the experience as being an alien in this world… how abruptly, everything feels “different” and you no longer belong in this world, despite the familiar appearance of your surroundings. I remember loved ones looking at me like I was the “same Grace,” and feeling frustrated that they did not understand that EVERYTHING WAS DIFFERENT! Even my skin did not fit right! I had changed permanently. And in 10 years, I continue to experience versions of myself who evolves with the experiences, and forever views the world through the lens of a widow. I lovingly give grief a comfortable place in my life. To me, grief is a reflection and companion to love.

I am starting a new chapter in life yet again, and I still wish Lynn was here to share it with, to tell me in her Boston accent what I should and shouldn’t do (even though I still don’t always follow her advice), to remind me not to “let my head get so big it won’t fit through the door,” and to still be my number one cheerleader. I am grateful for a new way to share some of my thoughts and experiences of being part of this club. 🙂