And another grief bomb hits. Earlier this week I went on my business as I normally do. The day-to-day activities that used to feel so impossible after Erik’s passing have now just become numbingly routine. But there I was standing in the middle of a grocery store with tears down my face again. A year and five months out. And still crying in a grocery store…just because my eye caught a glimpse of those mini chocolate peanut butter cups.

I was never the person that had anxiety. I was never the person who second-guessed all my decisions, mostly mundane little ones. And I was never the person who was scared to take a chance on anything, but loss has changed me. After Erik’s passing, I kept hearing that I wouldn’t be the same person. That I would change. I truly didn’t realize this until lately. I have changed. I am not the same person. The person I was when Erik was alive died when he did.

Anxiety is more than just stress or worry. It’s over-worrying, tension, difficulty focusing, irritability, and sleep irregularity to name a few. I still wake up each night around that 2-3 am mark. I still get that frantic feeling as soon as I am separated from the twins. I still get knots in the pits of my stomach when I realize again and again that my person is no longer here. This reminds me of the poem “You Don’t Just Lose Someone Once” by Donna Ashworth. It beautifully sums up my feelings of losing the great love of my life.

“You don’t just lose someone once

You lose them over and over,

sometimes in the same day.

When the loss, momentarily forgotten,

creeps up,

and attacks you from behind.

Fresh waves of grief as the realisation hits home,

they are gone.

Again.

You don’t just lose someone once,

you lose them every time you open your eyes to a new dawn,

and as you awaken,

so does your memory,

so does the jolting bolt of lightning that rips into your heart,

they are gone.

Again.

Losing someone is a journey,

not a one-off.

There is no end to the loss,

there is only a learned skill on how to stay afloat,

when it washes over.

Be kind to those who are sailing this stormy sea,

they have a journey ahead of them,

and a daily shock to the system each time they realise,

they are gone,

Again.

You don’t just lose someone once,

you lose them every day,

for a lifetime.”

Once you walk through the depths of loss and carry the weight of grief, you change and there’s no turning back. Perspectives change. Things that once mattered to me no longer held weight in my heart. With the realization that the painful hole in my heart can’t be filled, I have come to accept that I would lose him for as long as I’m here.

Because when he died, I died too.