It’s taken me months and months to bring up the courage to go to dinner with a friend. Sounds crazy but she was Clayton’s favorite coworker and he is all we have in common. I knew it hit her hard when he passed and I knew she would want to talk about it. I guess that is just another layer of widowhood that others don’t understand – We want to see you but the memories you trigger are to strong for us to handle right now.

 

I finally said yes and we went to a local restaurant. It was wonderful to see her! We caught up and laughed, we talked about Tin and how much we missed him. It was scary at first but I realize hearing her remember him was a gift. It’s so easy to think that, for others, out of sight is out of mind…

 

The evening was wonderful and we talked about many different things. My career and second job (which I need to cover my widowed bills) are both very successful. She asked if I was planning to move home near my family but, overall, things are good here so I’m staying. It wasn’t the memories of Tin that crushed me. It wasn’t being at a restaurant that he and I went to often. It was a question that I never thought of and certainly didn’t expect the impact when asked.

 

“Wow! You are doing so well you should move and buy a place!”

 

The moths of mourning fluttered in my stomach and up in my throat. Move? Buy my own place? Leave our home? I hadn’t thought of any of those ideas. I felt sick but I kept it together until we went our separate ways. I cried heading home and when I got home I looked around for any changes. It took me a bit to settle and when I did I asked myself why that idea of moving was so hard. Here is my answer…

 

Tin designed the layout of our apartment. Tin surprised me by painting the rooms when I was at work. Tin hung all the photos himself. If I take it down he won’t be here to help me put it back up. He put so much of his heart into our home. If I move than I lose more of Tin…..