Sometimes I don’t actively realize how hard it would be to re-visit a place that I’ve been with Erik. And we have been to so many places so how can I possibly avoid all of them? I can’t. This past weekend I flew to Hawaii for my best friend’s birthday trip. The last time I went was with Erik and our twins. We have been on so many trips, but this was one that I didn’t truly think would be so hard or hold as much significance as other places. Boy was I wrong.
As soon as I landed everything flashed back not only to the last time we were here with our twins, but the time we were here before our twins in 2019, right after we had gotten engaged and to celebrate Erik’s 30th birthday. I didn’t think I would remember things so vividly. As the days went on and we did different activities I found myself remembering the spots we would go or recognizing a place we drove by. Then the knot deep down in my stomach came. That knot that wishes so much that he was still here. That knot that couldn’t believe I was back here without him. And the knot that realized that when I was back to reality I would not be going home to him. And that feeling lingered the rest of the days there. I tried to enjoy the present as best as I could, while still reminding myself that it’s okay to be sad even if I’m trying to enjoy something.
The last time we were in Hawaii in 2021 we wanted to take our twins to see one of our favorite moments from 2019, the sea turtles. I remember being so disappointed that they weren’t there because it wasn’t the season and sad that we couldn’t show our twins. And Erik being his positive self said to me, “It’s okay babe, this will be a reason for us to come back again with them.” And just like that, he took my disappointment and sadness away like he always did. Something I miss so much every day now. So as my friends and I drove to see the turtles I found myself talking to Erik in my head. Praying that I would see them as they would be a sign to me that he was listening and watching over me. The closer we got more anxious I became. I knew how rare it was to see turtles up on the beach in the winter in Hawaii and I knew I shouldn’t put a reason like that out there, but I couldn’t help it. As we walked up to the beach I couldn’t help the anticipation anymore. I saw a couple walking away from where you would normally see the turtles and asked, “Are they there today?” And as the knot in my stomach got heavier they said to me, “Yes, they actually are!” And just like that I couldn’t believe it. I found myself so excited, yet still not fully believing it, I started walking as fast as I could to the spot. I climbed down the hill over the rocks and made my way past the crowd. And there they were. Two turtles just lying on the beach. And I just teared up. It felt as if at that moment I could feel Erik. And it has been so very long since I’ve felt like that. I couldn’t believe it. “Thanks, babe. Thanks for sending me the turtles,” I said to myself. As I continued to stare in disbelief, I overheard one of the information workers overwatching the turtles say to some people, “It is so rare to see them here this time of year, you guys are so lucky that you’re able to witness them right now.” Two turtles. Just like before. And I chose to believe that maybe those were the two same turtles we saw before. Even if that seemed silly to think, it still felt so great. Even if it seemed silly to believe it was truly a sign from him, it still felt so great. And it was wonderful to feel so great even if just for that little moment.
That one moment made the flight down memory lane all worth it.
