One thing I’ve struggled with is how to manage John’s understanding of Ian dying. Of having a daddy, but having no memory of him. We’re a family of faith, actively involved in our church community so that gave me a bit of framework to use. We talk about daddy going to heaven, as opposed to other explanations. When ever I’ve been talking to John…
Widowed Parenting
Different life
I’m in that lovely crunch time in semester where I have assignments and other assessments coming out of my butt and I seriously question the sanity of going back to school. Ok, I’m always questioning the sanity of that choice! Which has had me thinking in the last day or so as I worked on cost accounting exercises – would I be doing this if…
Reaching Out
This week has sucked. Pain. Restriction in mobility. Kid who’s acting up. Change over to summer time so sleep is out of whack. Pain meds making my brain addled, so I’ve not been able to study effectively for an exam I have in about 24 hours. Economics is just plain not computing. Frustration I can’t stand long enough to be able to get the house…
Rest
I’m sitting here incapacitated, writing my post while implementing the RICE acronym for injuries. On Saturday while working in the garden as John played under a sprinkler, I tripped over something I knew was in the lawn. Because I’ve not yet got to mowing, the stand for my sun shade has been hidden by the long grass. Whilst trying to…
All to Myself
Right from a young age, Ian encouraged co-sleeping with John. Ian always wanted him close. It was a habit I personally wasn’t keen on, but let it slide. Once they were both asleep (like in this photo), I’d take Ian’s glasses off, and move John to his crib. Since it was the easiest way to calm John, I maintained that habit once Ian got sick and…
Street Appeal
Spring has sprung here, and it’s glorious getting outside, enjoying the sunshine and melting off the cobwebs. Particularly since all my anniversaries fall over the middle of winter and I coop myself up more than ever over the grey season. After I joined the ranks, some of my before interests didn’t satisfy me, didn’t provide the enjoyment they had…
Stumped
It’s one of those ‘what the heck to I write about’ weeks. It’s hard because it’s been a “good” week. Which is really anything that isn’t a bad week. The week has been without too many of those sledgehammer ‘my husband’s dead’ moments. And when they’ve come, it’s been at odd times, like unstacking the dishwasher. But it’s simply been a week where we…
Existing
In 1998/99 I spent a year living and teaching English conversation in Japan. And up until recently, I would describe that year in many ways as ‘existing’, not ‘living’. But in retrospect, I had something resembling a life there, not a great one, but I was engaged socially with the expat community. Now at home, as a widow, I really find I’m in a…
I hate to ask…. again
Saturday morning I woke up with a 103 temperature. So as soon as a reasonable hour hit, I called my parents, asking if they could look after John for the day. On short notice.Again.Yet another thing I hate about widowhood. That sometimes you need to call on assistance to the point where you KNOW it’s impacting others. Maybe asking…
This Woman I Do Not Know
Many have posted all over the net, and here, how the death of Robin Williams has affected them. Their surprise… or degree there of. The loss of his creativity and ability to shower abundant joy on others. Of how his catalogue of work is central to their childhood and youth. The stories of someone who, by the reports, was a kind and generous…
Wow, What a Widow Brain
I had intended to write about the crappiness of turning 40 over the weekend as a widow. How much I wish Ian was here to mark this milestone, and because he’s not, I had no real desire to celebrate or really mark the occasion. But have friends insisting that I do so (so compromised with a very expensive dinner for a small group of friends). But then…
Chicken and Lime
Some of the things I regret around Ian’s death feel exceedingly odd. Nothing about how we managed his care, death or funeral. But not getting his chicken, lime and coconut milk curry recipe out of him… THAT has bugged me beyond belief.That was his signature dish, the one he pulled out when we had company. It’s what he made me the first…