My heart hurts tonight. And last night. And the night before. It just hurts. I feel sad. I feel scared. I feel everything. Remember those first few weeks and months after the loss, when you literally spent all of your time going from sobbing so hard that you gave yourself a migraine – to sitting on your bed or in a chair and staring at the…
Year of New Eyes
Im not sure quite how to say this without sounding all “Oprah”, but for me, this year of 2016, feels like an important year. It feels like it already is and will be an important year in my life, for many reasons. And when I type that, a small part of me gets the chills, because I really need to be more specific when I say things such as that and…
Pray to Live
I’ve been thinking a lot the past few weeks about something other than death. Life. I’ve been thinking about life, and the true meaning of it, and how that meaning is different for everyone, and how maybe that meaning changes and shifts when you have been through trauma or loss or grief. I have been thinking about what it all is, what it all means,…
Free To Be Me
This past weekend, I attended and gave my comedic presentation at “Camp Widow” in Tampa, Florida. It was my ninth time attending and being a presenter at camp. Nine times. There are now 3 camp locations, and 3 camps per year. One in Tampa, one in San Diego, and one in Toronto. Each one has the same basic structure, as far as what happens during…
Nightmares
Many years before I met my husband Don, there was an extremely traumatic event in my life. It happened back in 1996, and it was the kind of thing that changes a person forever. The kind of thing that can end up defining you, if you let it. The kind of thing that steals your soul for awhile and grabs at your eyeballs and pulls them out and onto the…
Familiar Roads
On this day, in 1998, exactly 18 years ago, I sat at my brand new computer and logged into my brand new AOL account, and entered a music chat room about 1980’s song lyrics. That night, only one other screen name logged on: Wayabvepar. We typed for 5 hours that night, then for 3 more years before actually meeting in person. Eventually this man from…
I Will Never Move On
(reposted from my personal blog: ripthelifeiknew.com , as written yesterday) Last night, I was talking to a new widower friend of mine on the phone, when he suddenly shifted the topic of conversation and posed a huge challenge to me. Im not sure if he saw it as a challenge, but I did. He asked me to do him a favor. When I asked him what the favor…
You Deserve To Share This
So, while I never like to assume anything or get too excited about things and then end up being let down, I have to say that the first month of 2016 has started out very positive and active for me. So many things have happened in the past month alone, and other things are in the midst of happening right now. A writer that I respect wrote an entire…
Jumble
The other day, I had this thought: Sometimes happiness, sadness, longing, anxiety, excitement, knowing, unknowing, trepidation, laughter, hesitant joy, hope, anxiousness, fear, familiarity, the past, the present, the possibilities, and the thrill of something new – are all simultaneously existing in the same conversation, the same moment even.
… And Still
This is going to be short and sweet. I have so much going on this week that there is no time to really sit down and write something of value or deep thought, so Im going to share a short stanza / piece that I wrote a couple days ago on my Facebook page. I was going about my day, at 4.5 years into this “my husband is dead” life, when all of a…
Death and Life
Three big names died this week. All from cancer. Actor Alan Rickman. Singer / songwriter David Bowie. And today, Celine Dion’s husband and manager, Rene Angelil. At the same time, my own family has been dealing with my mom’s recent cancer diagnosis back in late November, and the lead-up to her surgery, which was this past Tuesday. So many…
Without You
So last week, I completely forgot to write my Widows Voice blog. Just completely forgot. And I didn’t forget that night and then remember the next morning, which I have done MANY times, and then the blog post is a bit late being posted, like today. No. This time I just forgot altogether. I call it “Widow Fail.” Actually, I think it deserves a…