A couple of weeks ago, I gave away some of Don’s music things – a VOX amp, (like the one The Beatles used, which I know because my husband told me that ALL THE TIME) an equalizer, sound mixer, and more – to a close family friend who is both a sound engineer/ editor, and musician / drummer. I have always given away things that belonged to Don -…

So, my life used to be nothing but grief. The first few days, months, and even years after losing my husband to sudden death, were filled with grief, almost 24/7. I was always in pain, always crying or trying really hard not to cry, always overcome with emotions and overwhelming intense darkness. Every part of my days and my nights were taken over…

It took me a very long time and a lot of patience, before I finally found the perfect grief-counselor for me. At the time, about 8 months after my husband’s sudden death, I had already sifted through 4 counselors and therapists, one after another after another after another. Each one was either way too expensive, or they didnt “get me” at all, or…

I’m halfway through the 5 year mark since your death, sweet husband.  I have been to hell and back, and then back around again,  never really actually fully leaving.  Its not possible to leave the Hell.  Its just not possible.  Because the hell,  is that you died.  You are dead.  That will always be the Hell,  no matter what I do,  who Im…

Tomorrow is New Years Eve.  My husband and I never really did anything special on New Years Eve.  Before I was married, I never really did anything special on New Years Eve.  When I was a lot younger, a teenager, some friends and I went into Boston for First Night, froze our asses off, and stood with the thousands of others to count down to…

Everyone is different, with this grief path.  That is what we are all told.  And it’s true.  For example … Some may have chosen to call this a “grief journey.” I call it a path. Or a tsunami, when Im feeling very feisty.  I hate the word journey. It doesn’t represent what this is.  It sounds too clean. Too organized. Too fun. Almost…

Today is Friday. On Wednesday, December 21st, just five short days from now, my brother and my mom will be driving to NY from Massachusetts, picking up a U-Haul to attach onto my brothers truck, showing up here to my apartment, packing up all my stuff, and me, and my two kitties – and driving back to Massachusetts. I will then be starting a new…

There are lots of things in my life that haven’t happened yet.  Things that are on the verge of happening, hopefully. Things I am patiently, or impatiently, waiting on.  Things that still need to marinate.  Things that are still in development.  Things that haven’t quite been defined. Things that have no guarantee of happening at all.  Things…

I have come to a place where I am terrified of the future.  My future. And THE future. The future of where our country is going, the future of the state of things…. On and on and on.  I have felt this sense of anxiety and panic and fear, since losing my husband suddenly, over 5 years ago.  But now ….  It almost feels worse.  Lately. …

Remember those Thanksgiving days, when you were a kid, and just after the giant meal was over, Uncle Bill or your dad or Grandpa Joe, or all three or more , would sit in the living room on the couch and recliner chairs, and proceed to unbutton the top button of their pants so they could breathe better? Or that feeling you got after eating ninety…

Do you ever feel like the life that you had, and the person you were with (who died), is just slipping further and further away? Does it ever feel like you’re driving down the road, some long and unknown highway, with no destination or reason, and when you look in your rearview mirror – that life that you knew just gets smaller and smaller?  Do…

So, what Im about to write here today may, on the surface, seem to have nothing at all to do with grief or with being widowed – and maybe it doesnt, but it also does. This election and everything surrounding it, has affected me in ways I cannot even describe. It has brought back the intense grief of losing my husband, and I did not expect those…