I have come to a place where I am terrified of the future.
My future. And THE future. The future of where our country is going, the future of the state of things….
On and on and on.
I have felt this sense of anxiety and panic and fear, since losing my husband suddenly, over 5 years ago.
But now ….
It almost feels worse.
Maybe its because, each new year, I get older.
Each year, I feel further away from that life that was.
And each year, I question more and more,
How will I do this? How will I make it? How will I keep surviving?
Each year, the answers become less clear.
My husband died suddenly, only 4 years into our marriage. We were still renting a crappy apartment together. We didnt own anything,except his beat up old car that was always in the shop. As an EMT and a teacher, we didnt make great money, so saving money was impossible and never happened. We lived paycheck to paycheck, and things like owning our first home and having kids and planning vacations and retirement options and on and on and on …. those were all part of our future. But that future never came.
Now, 5 years later, I struggle alone, and I struggle every day. I work 2 jobs, sometimes 3 – just to get by. I took on a roommate and a new apartment – twice – just to keep going. I sold his car, then sold a second used car gifted to me by my brother – in an effort to make more sacrifices, to keep living. I lost my health insurance, because I was covered under his, and now I dont have any. And now, in 3 weeks, I will be leaving NYC, the place I have lived since I was 18 years old, and moving to Massachusetts to stay with my parents, indefinitely. They are offering me a safe and quiet place to finally finish writing my book about grief and our love story – free of worries about bills and rent. So Im taking that offer, because writing this book is one of the only things that makes any sense in my life these days.
I will be at my parents house for 3 months. Or 5 months. Or maybe 6 months. I have no idea, and Im trying like hell not to worry myself about such things, which is not normal for me, because I wake up worried. I am a worrier by nature. But I am trying really hard to take things minute by minute, to get up each day and write however much I can write, and then figure out the rest later. Because the truth is … if I think too much about it … I will be in a constant state of panic . My mind is not normal. My mind goes insane within seconds, until suddenly I am panicking about things that I have no control over or no way of foreseeing right now.
Like, what if I get sick? Who will take care of me? What happens when I leave my parents place? Where will I work? How will I make ends meet? Where will I move to? Will I ever have something in savings? Will I evver feel the slightest bit secure? How will I pay for health insurance? When can I afford to see a dentist again? What if my kitties die? What if my parents get sick? What if someone else I love dies? How will I cope? What about my dreams? Are they gone? What am I going to do with my life?
So, once I start going to all of those places, I try and stop myself from that uncontrollable spinning that leads to nowhere good. I try to tell myself to only think in terms of right now. Just today, not tomorrow. Because anything else is way too overwhelming.