In my life
I’ve been quiet and loud
Still and vibrant
Strong and vulnerable
Smiled and cried
I’ve been a Highland dancer
A belly dancer
And a hoop dancer
There was so much joy in me
As I danced.
Since your death I’ve pushed myself to do what I’d never considered doing…
I’ve been a goddess
Competed in a warrior dash
Worked at a Renaissance faire
Costuming is my thing, now.
Perhaps I’m searching for my truest self.
Perhaps I seek magic in a life where magic is hard to come by.
I don’t honestly know. I just follow my heart’s lead and don’t question it.
It’s my own personal therapy, keeping me moving and exploring.
A few years in I sought to find the woman I’d been with you…
Sensual. Filled with passion.
Leading me to seek out a burlesque class.
I’ve gotten tattoos to honor our Love.
The last tattoo artist told me that everyone begins with one and ends with one, as they connect.
He maybe right in that.
I have five now. All of them drawn in pink.
I have another one already planned.
I’ve walked in solitary on far west beaches,
Lost in thought, wandering fitfully.
And I’ve purposefully put myself in the midst of strangers to tell my story.
A story that continues on, without your physical presence.
I’ve shaved my head
When the pain and grief became too intense
and it was shear off my hair
But I’ve also attempted lovelocks,
That didn’t end well but the intent was a good one.
Perhaps, that first time, I was remembering when you locked my hair for me.
That didn’t end well either, and I remembered the sigh in your voice after you’d spent hours and hours on my hair and finally went to bed, only to half wake to me asking what would you think if I took some of these locks out? They’re hurting my head, and you dryly responding do whatever the fuck you want to do. I’m going to sleep. You were so patient…
I’ve pushed to keep my heart open to Love even when it wanted to shut down because the grief was unbearable. Impossible. Soul searing. Shredding. Incapacitating. Horrifying. Devastating. Even as I’ve felt dislocated. Discombobulated. Disoriented. I’ve kept my heart open, by god, and I strive every damn fucking day to honor your Love. Our Love. Love. And I promise that I’ll always do that. No matter what. I will always, always, be fierce about Love.
But you know what, my beloved D?
The greatest thing I’ve done, ever, is open my heart to you.
To your Love.
The greatest thing I’ve ever done
Was to Love you in this life.
To take you as my husband, my lover, my adventure buddy. You were my knight, and I was, as I used to tease, your femme fatale.
Our shared Love is what keeps me going now.
It’s what will keep me going until that breath that is between this one and the last one shivers through me and I find my way to you again.
Wait for me in the stars, D. Look for me, and I’ll find you.