What is time, anyway?

Time is how we measure and make sense of change.

At its core, time is a concept we use to track the sequence and duration of events. It’s how we understand that one thing happens before or after another and how long things last. -Chatgpt

Time is both strict and magical. Moments of time that are life-changing from the past feel real when I remember them and yet they exist only in my memories. I look at a photo and see myself in another place and time. My emotions react with tenderness or regret; with longing or without recognition.

I see faces, one of which is my own, changed through time. I see people I remember, or don’t. Places I can identify, or not. Moments captured in time.

We observe ourselves in the past doing whatever it was we were doing. In the present moment I am capable of “going back” in memory. In the future, one or another of these moments might grab me and take me back to that moment in time.

 

Why does it matter?

 

Today I am remembering the last weeks of Dan’s life when our family gathered to care for him during a complex set of symptoms which required a changing puzzle of pain management. For those reading this whose person died of illness, you know what I mean.

Having just passed year four of losing him, those difficult “end-times” feel fresh in my mind again.

I find myself asking if I loved him well enough in those moments. Did I pull away, as he did the hard work of dying? Did I miss a subtle cue he gave me to come closer? Stepping back in time, I find evidence for answering both yes and no.

This begs the question,

What do I do with regrets from the past?

 

We can all answer this question in our own way. Many years ago a friend told a story about the custom of Christmas in Hungary, where parents stayed up all night to “surprise” the children with a fully decorated tree along with food and presents overflowing.

As I look back on the many years our family practiced this tradition, I see myself as a child receiving with joy, but not really being aware of the physical cost to my mother. I didn’t thank her. As I think of this, I am moved to thank her now! Thank you, mama, for the many sacrifices you offered to us in love!

Her story arrived as a revelation to me

… I will thank her now!

 

And so, I say to my beloved now . . . That was such a hard time for you, and for all of us, Dan. I am certain of the times you felt my love in its immensity; but there were times when I fell short and could only see my own pain. I’m sorry for the times I failed you in those weeks. For times when I failed you in the duration of our lifetimes. Please forgive me.

 

I believe in TIME and the TIMELESS. That I can reach back in time and make things right in a way that brings me peace and acknowledges that I am just a human. An imperfect being.

 

The only person who can pull me down is myself, and I’m not going to let myself pull me down anymore. — C. JoyBell C.

 

Thank goodness for the fluidity of time–past, present, future–that allows us to mend our failures and honor our best intentions.

 

Long Live Love!