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The Scariest Part of Surgery

Posted on: June 1, 2019 | Posted by: Bryan Martin

This blog will be short because I had a lasik procedure this week and my eyes get tired quickly.

I’ve never been one to be comfortable with eye stuff. I hate eye drops and the thought of contact lenses makes me cringe but I was so fed up with glasses that I decided to go through with the surgery and get it over with. As the day got closer, I got more nervous. Afraid of the unknown and afraid things would go wrong and I’d lose my vision. I was scared.

I worked the first half of the day to keep my mind focused on something. Everyone kept telling me that I would be fine ad so many people had been through the procedure successfully. I knew all of that but there was something else bothering me that I just couldn’t figure out. That is until I got into the car with my friend who was driving me. She asked if I was ready as I reached to close the car door and I started to shake. I started to panic. I started to cry.

She said –  “It’ll be ok. You’ll be ok.”

I said – “But if I’m not ok than Clayton isn’t here to help me.”

There it was.  There was the root of my fear that I couldn’t unearth until that moment. Yes I was scared to have surgery but I was more scared to have to recover or handle complications without Clayton.  Widowhood is many expected things but it’s the unexpected ones that make our journey sometimes so terrifyingly unique.

I made it through surgery fine. The doctors say I went from 20/40 to 20/20 in 24 hours and it will continue to improve. Today was a tough day of blurry vision and soreness. I find it an odd coincidence that as I write these words I can not help but cry yet the tears are bringing my eyes relief and my vision is crystal clear…

 

Categories: Newly Widowed, Widowed, Widowed & Unmarried, Widowed Milestones, Widowed Emotions, LGBTQ+ Widowed

Bryan Martin

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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