Lately, the twins have been mentioning Daddy more often than usual. It started with Wyatt wanting to look at picture books of him each night for their bedtime story. Then, during nap time the other day, Charlotte was mumbling ‘daddy, daddy’ in her sleep and woke up crying. And lately, they have been singing the song ‘You are my sunshine’ nonstop and changing the end lyrics to say ‘Please don’t take my daddy away. ’ I talk about Erik often with them, and I answer any questions they may have, and the past couple weeks have felt like they have been asking at least once every day. I’m not sure what has triggered it or if it’s just because they are getting older and much more curious, or if they have started to feel my anxiety of missing him.

These conversations are never easy. Every day I wonder about the day when I would have to tell them what happened. And I dread it. As these questions become more frequent and specific, I often think about what I would even want to share and at what age. I decided when Erik passed that I would never lie to them about what happened. However, I also want to ensure that I convey it to them in the right way and only when they are ready to hear it. When will I have to break that hope that they still hold on to? They are so young that I have to choose my words carefully when I talk about Erik, yet I still want to be fully honest. ‘Daddy is dead and he’s not coming back.’ Yet at this age, they still don’t fully understand it and hold on to that hope that he would still somehow walk through the front door. That hope I felt as I was waiting for the confirmation of his death. The hope that I remember so clearly still. My mind was telling me he was dead, there was no way of coming back from that, yet my heart held on to the hope that by some miracle, maybe my mind was wrong. That tiny glimpse of hope. That ache I feel thinking about it now. That heartbreak I feel every time I see them having hope, yet wanting them to still hold on to it at this innocent age. I couldn’t be the one to burst that bubble, but I couldn’t be the one to lie. So all I can say is, “Daddy is dead and he’s not coming back…I miss him so much, too darling…I miss him so much too.”