It’s that time of year yet again. I feel conflicted yet I am trying so hard not to take away from the magic of this season for the twins. The holiday season this year seemed to creep up on me. I was so focused on getting ready for our trip in October that by the time we got back mid-November, I felt like I stepped back into a world that was moving full steam ahead into Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Normally, I was always prepping for Christmas by June/July, and if I was behind August. Now I find myself dreading to really think about the holiday season let alone put any effort into it. But deep down I don’t really feel like I have the luxury of telling myself to go with my feelings this year and not celebrate it if I don’t want to. And the biggest part of that is because of the twins. Really, the only part. I don’t want to deprive them of another thing in their lives, even if it’s just a year of not celebrating. This year I feel more pressure than last to make this season even more magical, as I am finding that each year of their childhood brings a deeper understanding of the spirit of Christmas for them. And when I think about it, how long will I really have of these younger years before they don’t believe in this magic anymore? If grief has taught me anything it’s definitely to live in the moment and not leave anything for another time. But this season I also find myself overbooking more than I usually do. Not saying no because I think of the twins first. Trying to do everything and anything because I’ve been having a hard time trying to find the balance between feeling like time is too short and wanting to get as much done as possible with slowing down and not overworking myself.
Grief lately has really made me question how much time I have left. How much time any of us have left. And how short it may be. That thought in the back of my head makes me want to do everything I can with the twins. Mostly because I don’t want them to miss out on time with another parent. It’s something I’ve been trying to work through. Finding the right balance and managing that feeling. Since we have gotten back from our trip it has been go-go-go. I didn’t realize months ago I had overbooked so many activities and events that I really haven’t been able to catch my breath. Not just with weekends, but now weekdays. All the holiday activities that I booked for the twins, trying to create that magic that I so desperately want for them have brought my grief into the forefront even more so lately. The grief that is mixed with sadness, but hopefulness; excited anticipation, yet a deep desire to be back in the past. The grief that makes it so hard to run through that holiday to-do list, but also the grief that reminds me of what was. The love. The memories. And as I see the sparkle in their eyes full of excitement as we do all these holiday activities it reminds me of what’s important. The here. The now. The all-encompassing sparkly grief.
