Well … I must say that I’m quite happy that June is in my rearview mirror. And it occurred to me that perhaps there might have been a subliminal reason for why I was sick for nearly that whole month.
Jim’s Celebration of Life was held in June
No – I wasn’t invited
No – I wasn’t there
No – I didn’t know the date
His son had initially said they wanted to hold the celebration within the first few days after Jim passed. And they wanted me to host it at our home. He said they were busy with their son’s wedding planning and Jim’s brothers had a hunting trip in two weeks so that’s why they needed to hold it quickly.
I said no.
I was sick (it ended up being Covid) and the house was a wreck. We had just returned home after a week in the hospital in Vegas. Jim was on round the clock meds and required heavy duty caregiving. And the previous months had been spent dealing with all of Jim’s health issues, so deep house cleaning had not been on my priority list. And I was in no physical (or mental) condition to host anything at that point.
A couple of weeks later they told me they had all decided to hold it sometime during the summer at one of Jim’s brothers’ homes in Minnesota. One son lives in California, the other lives in North Carolina and all of Jim’s siblings are in Minnesota, so that made sense. Jim and Estelle met in Finland, MN – way up in the northern part of the state – and his sons wanted to spread their parents’ ashes together in Lake Superior after the celebration. A lovely idea. He asked me if I would want to go and I said I would like to attend the celebration (I actually added “if invited”) but would not attend the spreading of the ashes.
In April I was told I needed to ship both Jim’s and Estelle’s ashes to Minnesota as they didn’t want to have to carry them on the plane when they went there for the celebration. Still no mention of the date.
When they came in May to collect the Harley, etc. and some photos for the celebration video they mentioned it would be held in June. “You didn’t want to go, did you?”
Could I have made an issue of all of this? Sure. But why would I?
This celebration would be about Jim and Estelle’s 50 years together and I’m very ok with that, but since they did not ask for any photos of Jim and I to include in the video, I was sure his final years with me were going to be omitted and I did not need to be there to see that.
Yes, it’s hurtful to be dismissed so easily. But his family never got to know me. Never gave me a chance to feel a part of the family. And yes, I will admit that there have been a few times I wished I had not changed my name when I married Jim. I don’t feel like a Garvey now that Jim is gone.
I realize the seven years we had do not compare at all to the 50 Jim had with Estelle. And to be honest – they don’t compare to the 41 years I had with Vern either. But they don’t deserve to be erased as if they never happened. I’m wondering how many other second wives reading this might have experienced something like this. Maybe it’s not unusual? Maybe it’s not so unkind?
But I only need to remember that Jim loved me, he appreciated me and how well I cared for him through all of it. When his family was no where to be seen. And he showed me how much he appreciated me by putting that addendum on his trust that allows me to stay here in this lovely home we shared as long as I want.
I have so many wonderful memories of the things we did together and that’s what I want/need to focus on. I spent time going through the photos on our phones and loved reliving some of those memories:
- The thrill of my very first ‘first class’ flight and the three weeks we spent in Okinawa
- First time visits to ghost towns and other parts of Nevada in the RV
- Seeing Lake Tahoe for the first time
- Visiting northern Minnesota and falling in love with the North Shore
- Our trip to Michigan for my 50th high school reunion, a visit with our Pahrump friends at their Indiana lake home and meeting Jim’s family in Minnesota
- Fun times at hockey games and our special Raiders weekend
I was able to feel it all and thank Jim … and that’s how I celebrated his life and said my ‘goodbye’.
