Isn’t it weird to look back on the week before their passing? Depending on the circumstances of their death, that week has a kaleidoscope of events across our widowhoods.

For us, life was thrumming along. Spring was coming but the last dregs of winter were holding on. Kids sports were getting ready to hit full swing. We were finalizing the plans to put in a major backyard renovation with a pool. Everything was ‘normal’.

Until it wasn’t and he was gone without a warning.

It’s weird to realize it’s been 5 years since I didn’t know how good we had it. I don’t remember the quote exactly, but there was a line Rachel Hochhauser’s book, Lady Tramaine, that rang true to me. After Lady Tramaine’s’ first husband dies, she remarks that love is found in the normal day to day. It’s not grand gestures; love is the simple act of living alongside each other in the mundanity of life. And you don’t realize it, until you no longer have it.

When I look back at our before, that’s exactly what it was. We lived life and enjoyed doing it together. The what never mattered as much as the with who. I look back and miss the comfort of our teamwork. After 14 years building a family, you know the dances; how to cook, put the kids to bed, share a bathroom, make social plans, the list goes on.

I don’t think either of realized how quickly our dance was coming to end. Five years ago today, he was alive. Five years ago, next week he wasn’t. There are bits and pieces I have forgotten of that last week, but plenty remain. I will never forget our last kiss goodnight. Five years or fifty, that one is locked in for my lifetime.

Every year, the days leading up to his death anniversary send me back in time. Back to the ‘before’. Still waiting on that hot tub time machine.