Recently I had the urge to make updates around the house. However, I lost my favorite handyman when I lost Tony. (Spoiler alert, it was him.)

Hiring someone to do the work is intimidating. It’s more expensive than I’m used to since we used to just pay for the materials and he would do 95% of the work. The other part is that it’s hard to know who to trust in your home, especially as a single woman.

Another option would be to reach out and ask for help from friends or family. But that is also complicated. I always feel guilty and worry that I am putting someone out, even if I am willing to reimburse them for their time and assistance.

The last real option would be for me to wander into YouTube land and take on a few projects of my own. My dad who recently watched me put together a cat tree would probably tell me to slow my roll. But all jokes aside, he’d be the first one over here to make sure I didn’t mess anything up too bad.

But the idea of doing any of these options is intimidating. Designing a space and picking the finishings by myself is overwhelming. I always had strong opinions on how we remodeled. But my strength was always in the colors and finishings, Tony’s was in how to make the most from the space available.

So instead of tackling any major remodels, I’ve found myself leaning into making small updates to existing spaces. Today I changed out the rug in our living room. I rolled up the black and gray masculine rug we picked out years ago. Then I scrubbed the floors and prepped the space for a new floral Bridgerton inspired rug. Tony would be rolling his eyes at this purchase, all while saying “Yes Dear.”

Even making these small updates is weird. I’m creating spaces that make me feel warm and safe. While knowing eventually, this will become a home that Tony would no longer recognize if he could walk through the door again.