Lynn was big on having (over the counter) meds on hand – allergy, flu, tummy ache, headache, etc. She had them organized in plastic bags that she carefully labeled with what they were for. I have struggled all these years with clutter cleaning, getting-rid-of, holding onto things until I am ready to let them go, and on and on. I have held onto these bags of meds all these years, with the obvious understanding and very practical mindset that they will be needed and used by me at some point in time. However, in the times I have needed flu meds (for example), I am more likely than not to purchase a “fresh” batch of flu meds at the store. Partly because, when I do not feel good, I definitely don’t feel like sifting thru the bags, reading what each thing is for (in the flu bags, there are numerous types of flu meds, brands, day or night, etc), and determining which I should take. This past weekend, I was thinking about clutter clearing and reorganizing the hall closet, where these meds are in a big basket of first aid stuff. And the foreign thought of “I should get rid of those bags,” came into my mind. At first it felt very matter of fact, and then it felt so unfamiliar – the thought of getting rid of something that is “so Lynn.” It made me stop and really ponder these bags. And I realized, they have been tangible reflections of how well cared for I was by Lynn, and how her simple and basic personality trait of making sure our home had meds ready when needed made me feel safe and prioritized. After her passing, hanging on to them made me feel like she was still taking care of me – like I still have a partner who keeps me in their front and center.
I am pondering this feeling of being at a place where I feel comfortable getting rid of them…. Is it because I feel like I have been doing a decent job taking care of myself these past years? Is it the practicality that they are outdate and I honestly do not want to take them?! Is it because I feel I can remember who well she took care of me, and I do not need physical objects like this to remind me? All of the above?
It made me think of some of the items I have been keeping since my Mom passed away 2 years ago – specifically items related to her medical needs. These items were things I used daily as her caregiver to help her. They are tangible reminders of our intimate caregiver / Mom relationship, a relationship that entails a unique type of nurturing, gentleness, vulnerability, and communication. Thinking of getting rid of “Lynn’s meds” made me consider getting rid of (the majority of) my Mom’s health items. It certainly “should” not be the main thing I remember of her. However, the past years of caregiving for her was one of the most important roles I have ever had in my life. It is a large part of my identity, gave my life meaning, and was a significant chapter of my life story. I think holding onto these items for now is part of my process of coming to peace and resolution of the loss of my identity and a sacred relationship.
The journeys of grieving Lynn and grieving my Mom are so different AND so similar in many ways. I am pleasantly (though bittersweetly) surprised at how they compliment each other. Sigh… I’ll start with “Lynn’s med bags” for now though.
