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Muscle Memory

Posted on: October 3, 2022 | Posted by: Emily Vielhauer

Grilling and smoking is one of the things that Tony took the lead on during our marriage. I was a passive bystander at best. One time he put me in charge of watching some jalapeno poppers he was grilling while he ran down to help a neighbor. I managed to catch one on fire and break a flip flop. The night before any big cook I found myself trying to watch a show or go to bed and he’d want my help squirting mustard or shaking rub on the meat. I had never even made a hamburger patty before Tony died. So, my outdoor cooking skills were not what I would call top notch.

I also feel compelled to make sure you know that grilling and smoking are not the same thing. Tony would want me to clear that up, you grill a burger, and you smoke a brisket. He also believed it was a sin to cook ribs, brisket and pork butts in the oven and don’t even think about busting out the crockpot!

When Tony passed, I had four bone-in pork butts in the deep freeze. Two of them he had pre-trimmed and vac-sealed. The other two were still in their double pack straight from the grocery store. What’s a girl like me going to do with all this?

The answer had to be, figure how to smoke it.

 

My first prep and cook on the smoker

I started with the trimmed ones over the last year. Making an injection I knew he didn’t use but knowing I should inject them with something and guessing on what seasoning to put on the outside. Googling how to start a Traeger and learning that you have to keep filling up the pellets during the cook the hard way. I smoked that first pork butt before I even grilled a cheeseburger. I legit went from grilling hot dogs to smoking a pork butt.

This weekend it was time to tackle the big ones, trimming and all.

Friday evening, I whipped up another batch for the injection and got to work on trimming the fat off the pork. I wasn’t sure how much I should really trim off, but I just went with my gut. After they were both trimmed, I injected them and put them in the fridge to marinate overnight. Saturday morning, I got up early to start the smoker for my 12-hour cook. I made sure the drip pan was clean – didn’t want to start a grease fire in the grill! Then I got out my mustard and seasoning for the final stages of meat prep. As I started to squirt mustard on the first one, I realized I had missed trimming a section. I had this vision of Tony lifting a hunk of the meat up so I could sprinkle the seasoning in this crevice.

Restarting the smoker, I always seems to have to start over at least once.

So, I got out a knife and finished the trim. It’s funny how our minds can conjure our loved ones sometimes. If you had asked me how to trim this cut of meat, I would have told you I had no clue. However, when I set out to do it by myself the vision and muscle memory of helping him, helped me.

 

12 hours later I pulled off those two pork butts, perfectly done. It helps that it’s a forgiving cook. Then I shredded them, and this time Asher was the one to help me season, sauce and taste test the final product. The next day, I heard him proudly tell his brothers that he helped make it. Tony helped me and I helped him. We are always passing down our knowledge when we don’t even realize it.

First cook completed.

Categories: Widowed, Widowed Parenting, Widowed Memories, Widowed Belongings, Widowed Emotions, Widowed Signs from Loved One, Uncategorized

About Emily Vielhauer

My name is Emily Vielhauer, I am 45 years old and have 3 knuckleheaded sons who are between the ages of 11 and 15. My husband, Tony, and I were married for 14 years and despite how things ended we built something great together.

April 19th, 2021 was the last day of my ‘before’ story. The day before I became a widow, before I was a solo parent to 3 boys, before I knew my love was suffering in silence, before suicide rocked my world, before I had to break the hearts of my children and all our friends and family, before I planned a funeral and delivered a eulogy, before I knew the true depths of my love for Tony and the way that love would be expressed through grief, so many befores.

My hope for this blog is to take you along with me as I navigate my life in the ‘after’ and that my words help someone else out there, whether they empower you or just let you know that you’re not alone out there.

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