Tuesday 5.26.26 🗓️

I went on my first date since my husband died. It came with all of it. All the feelings. I was really excited and proud of myself for choosing to do it and heartbroken all over again that I had to.

It was coffee with a tall and handsome guy who approached me at a Christian singles event for people over 40. After coming over to talk to me three times, in the end he still didn’t ask for my phone number and neither did I. God knows all my energy went into signing up and walking into that event by myself.

So what did I do? I Googled him. He gave me just enough information to cyber-find him. I knew his first name, where he worked, and where he lived. Armed with that information, that same night of the event, this new Liliana who is being born out of the ashes said to herself:

“Mi misma, if you want to message him, message him! What’s the worst that can happen?”

I hesitated because I have never been this bold. EVER!!! When it comes to crushes or attraction, I was pretty old-fashioned. Then again, I hadn’t had to date in more than 20 years. But there’s something about being 51 and having endured the cruelty of life that has given me a bit of an edge.

Let us rewind a bit.

Clunk. Whhuuuuuurrrrrr. Thwack.📼

A couple of months after my husband died, I decided I was going to wear my wedding ring for a year and then take it off. I knew I wanted to at least attempt to find a partner in love and crime again. Even though we never talked about it, I know that’s also what my husband would want for me.

So I made the decision in my mind about taking my rings off, but my heart had other plans.

When the one-year anniversary came around, I took them off, then put them back on. And so began the dance that lasted a few months before I finally took them off for good. Funnily enough, my kids didn’t say anything. Now, fast-forward to last October. I was going to a medical appointment for treatment, and when the medical professional opened the door, I realized he was hot. Extremely hot 🥵. As in VERYYY, very, very attractive.

You get it.

For the first time since my hubby died, after the initial shock, confusion, and yes, a sliver of excitement, I felt. I felt what I hadn’t felt in years. I blushed. I stuttered. I looked at his left hand and smiled. No ring. Then I thought to myself, What are you wearing, Liliana??? And then I had to sit with all those feelings and thoughts to process them. After thinking about it for a while, I decided to tell him. Not really in hopes of anything, but for me. I thought it would feel empowering. Bad@$$.

The Rehearsal 😮‍💨

It was no easy task, though, for this Mexican-raised, Christian girl from the ’70s. It took a lot of mental flips, turns, and tumbles to arrive at that decision 🤸🏻‍♂️. The day before our last treatment, on my way to pick up our daughter from school, I practiced in the car what I was going to say.

“You’re hot.”  No, no, no.

“You are really handsome…”  Nahhh…

And suddenly I was bawling. Why was I in this situation? I was done! I had my person! 💔

Still, during our last appointment together, I thanked him for his help and support and for an unexpected gift.

“You are a beautiful man, you know that?” I said, trying not to pass out in his office but screaming Hell yes, girl! on the inside. He sat up in his chair and was really cool about it, we talked it out and it was all good. He is, after all, really hot, and it was my civic duty to tell him. The next few days, I spent crying and sitting in deep, deep sadness. I called a widow friend from one of my support groups, and she met me for drinks. But hey! I told him, right?

I knew he was out of reach because of the professional boundaries and blah, blah, blah. And yes, he could have been engaged, married but not wearing a wedding band, had a girlfriend, been asexual, polyamorous, ENM, or any o

ther variation. Feeling empowered and bad@$$ I signed up for two dating apps. I needed a distraction from him.

A couple of months later, I signed up for a third app. Then this year, a fourth and a fifth. Eight months on five apps and nothing. Nada. Not one date. It got close a few times, and then I was either ghosted or I chickened out in the end. Also, the logistics with kids are no joke when you don’t have grandparents or others nearby, especially if your youngest doesn’t want to be home by herself.

Fast-forward a bit more to right now. Last week’s date was really nice. We talked for about three and a half hours, laughed, shared, flirted, hugged…It felt refreshing, exciting, easy. And for that, I am very grateful. The next day I cried… but I sort of expected that.

I’ve crossed another milestone on this dreaded road.✅

We said we’d see each other again but we haven’t yet, and maybe we won’t. Still, I am so freaking proud of myself.

So, the position is still open, feel free to widely share with your networks 😂.

Currently Accepting Applications 🧑🏻‍💻

Position: Partner in Love and Crime, Backup Everything, Emergency Contact
Hours: Full-Time

Requirements:

• Alive and breathing
• Have a job
• Be a decent human
• Know how to have fun
• Cannot be intimidated by me loving another man
• Must be tall, _______ and handsome
• Love dogs, salsa -or any kind of- dancing and adventure.
• Have kids, or not be afraid of befriending and loving my two teenagers (scared yet?)

Experience:

• 3+ years in healthy and loving relationship(s)

Salary:

• Commensurate with experience
• Mostly paid in love, hugs, kisses, cuddles, and chores

To be continued…Hasta la próxima! Until next weekPeace.