I blame most everything on #deadhusband.
It’s an all encompassing explanation for that feeling inside of me that has just been #off since Chuck’s death.
I no longer have the energy to consider each and every emotion that runs through me on any given day, so it’s just easier to hashtag it.
Also, in my own mind, it makes me sound trendy.
I like the word Staci uses about her life without Mike. #underwhelmed.
It’s funny, really, in an ironic way, that my life looks so colorful and exciting to those looking in. Or maybe it doesn’t and I’m projecting what others think when they see me living out on the road, driving a #pinkcar, towing a #pinktrailer. Also, many people have told me how exciting it must be.
I’m fully engaged, emotionally, in my #OdysseyofLove, but if I’m not #driving, actually out on the #openroad, sharing the story of #whyallthepink, then life itself is #underwhelming to me. There’s a lack of #satisfaction to all of it.
Which then makes me wonder #whatthefuckiswrongwithme ?
Yadda, yadda, yadda, there’s no timeline for grief. I’m supposed to be grateful for life in general, right? Grateful that I’m alive and have my health, etc.
I honestly do laugh quite a bit on a daily basis.
I engage fully with my adult kids and grands and friends and siblings.
I push comfort zones and boundaries and try new things and I get out there and I explore. I’m doing shit I’ve never ever done. I’ve done grief therapy. EMDR. Grief support groups. Specialized classes to learn about grief and how we carry it. I’m in therapy now, again…well, briefly interrupted by #coronavirus. I keep my heart and mind open to life in general.
But life is still just fucking #underwhelming to me and I don’t know how to change the fact that the blood that runs through my veins hums Chuck’s name and his absence continually and consistently.
I’m #confused. What the ever loving hell am I missing?
What more do I need to do?
It isn’t enough to think what I was told early on…. #Chuckwouldwantyoutobehappy. My response to that is that #Chuckwasnottheoneleftbehind. So he doesn’t get a say in how I’m handling living without him.
I’m getting on with my life, just like most of us do.
But there’s no #fuckingjoy in it, you know?
On the up side, my dark sense of humor is really rather impressive, and I crack myself up with it, often. Sometimes other widows crack up with me. #widowcracked.
Mostly, though, at this point…2,550 days after Chuck’s death…
Color me #missinghimunbearably…
#April #21 #2013