Tonight the US men’s team lost their run for the World Cup. It’s disappointing but I’m not crushed. Historically, Tony and I had never been huge soccer fans.

This year, I live in one of the World Cup host cities. So, I decided to lean in and embrace what may be opportunities that present themselves only once in a lifetime. I’ve brought the kids along as much as they want to.  All the time wondering what, if any of it, Tony would have wanted to participate in.

First up was the Fan Fest experience. My middle son was the only one who wanted to attend this event. The main attraction was the free Bank of America charm bracelets. We waited in line for two hours to make one. I chuckled thinking about how Tony would have gone to Fan Fest with us and then would have been very annoyed.

Next, the Orange Army came to march through the streets. I took a last-minute vacation day and my youngest and I decked ourselves in orange. We marched, hopped to the left and the right, and danced our way through the streets with 36,000 people. Tony would never have used a vacation day to attend, but he would have loved the spirit of it all.

Lastly, I was fortunate enough to score tickets through friends to attend an actual World Cup game. Out of the three boys, my middle loves futbol/soccer the most, so he got to attend the game with me. It was such a cool experience, watching high level players compete, absorbing the cultural energy from the section of Algeria fans seated close by, and just being a part of something so big.

This is the only event I find myself undecided about when I think of Tony. Would he have gone with our son? Would we have gone together without kids? Would we have skipped it all together? He did always say, “Why would I go pay to see a game that could end 0-0?” But this was the World Cup at Arrowhead.

While none of these activities made me super emotional to do without Tony. I still find myself building a narrative of what it would be like if he were here. I’ll never know if my assumptions are right or wrong, but I can’t help but do it anyway.