I ended last week’s post on a positive note. They weren’t just words to fill a page. I really did feel more positive than I have since Jim died. I survived those first-year milestones, enjoyed some wonderful times with friends, visited some beautiful spots. I felt ready to make a real effort to figure out how best to live this new alone life.

But, this week … I did not post that list on my bathroom mirror. Didn’t even start writing a list. Instead, I fell back into those doldroms, melancholy, whatever you want to call it, and spent far too much time bingeing tv shows, feeling sorry for myself, and sleeping during the day.

Was there a trigger? I didn’t see it. I just felt it.

Was it Camp Crash?  I know that’s a real thing. But Camp had ended over a week before.

I guess the fact that I’m trying to think about what might have caused this downturn is a good sign.

I know there will be hard days/weeks. Sometimes with no explanation. And there will be good days, too. I guess that’s just the way these things go … especially with widowed life.

I miss Jim. I miss Vern. And I miss the life I had with them. But now it’s just me … and it’s quiet.

I usually enjoy the quiet, but it felt big this week. It felt like forever.

I must figure this out. To honor both of my men.

I recall saying “You’ve got to feel what you feel when you feel it” often after Vern died. So I’m just going to accept that message once again and journal my way through it. It’s ok to feel it all. Losing your person sucks. No way around that. And others just do not – cannot – fully understand that until it happens to them.

But in the midst of the ugly, there have been some ‘good’ things this month. It’s not always easy to see them, but when we do I think it’s important to acknowledge (and maybe even celebrate?!) these things. No matter how small or insignificant they may seem. Write them down so I can remind myself when times get hard.

Sheila has been waking me up in the middle of the night to go outside. She does her business and then decides to just lay down on the artificial turf or the pool deck, so I sit out there with her in the dark. The first night, I looked up and saw a heart within one of the palm fronds. I looked at the frond the next morning and could not see anything close to a heart shape. But every night since I see that heart. Such a lovely gift. A reminder that I was loved. That I am loved.

 

 

 

My neighbors are off traveling in their RV but before they left they told me their Peruvian Apple Cactus was ready to bloom and I might want to check on it while they are gone. It’s nocturnal and it only blooms for about 12 hours … so each night for the past week when Sheila got me up I’d walk over and enter their backyard to take a peek. It bloomed today!  Beautiful!

 

 

 

I watched a raven call for his mate up in our palm tree. So loud! She arrived and sat on the palm frond below him, chatting. Then they both moved over to a third frond and began preening each other. It was magical to watch.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I was feeling all of that positivity last week I decided I needed to make an effort to participate in some local things and see how that goes. I joined a Facebook group that was doing a ‘Traveling Plate’ event; I received the plate today and made a new friend. I’ll push myself to join some of the other events they hold. I’ve also signed up for a town fundraiser next month at a community spot I’ve wanted to visit. It’s a start.

 

And joining the Saturday Widowed Zoom Group is a definite positive. It gives me a chance to share with others who understand, to talk out loud to someone besides Sheila. I didn’t realize how much I needed that. I’ve also joined their Book Club to help me get back into the habit of reading.

So another week is starting and after writing all of this out I’m once again able to see those positives. One day at a time. The good AND the bad. I can do this.

ADDENDUM: Just after I hit ‘publish’ Amy Grant came on the Today show and sang her new song … “The Me That Remains”.

My smile in the mirror
Is enough for today
Reflecting the light
Deep down inside
That never will fade
And I’m gonna try
And always be kind
To the me that remains