I am not asking for a new life
Just a softer space inside this one
~Jess Baird
I miss those days I had at the beach but it’s rather nice to be home. Even though I’ve considered moving, this is where I need to be right now. Probably not forever. But who knows? I’m grateful I have options available if/when I decide it’s time to act on them.
As an old gal living alone, I feel safe here. My community is on the outskirts of our small town. No sidewalks, no streetlights. Jim made sure we had an alarm system and the gates to enter our backyard are locked. He had Rolladen shutters installed on the sliding doors, but I only close them if I’m headed out of town. That may sound like a fortress, but it doesn’t look or feel like one. Block walls, gates, security systems are pretty much the norm here in desert communities. I did add a doggy door (which Jim would never have approved) and I finally put the privacy film on the front door window. I wasn’t comfortable having that clear glass in the door where anyone could just look in. And I moved some of my art/craft stuff into a space in the living area. I’m not doing any entertaining these days, so my home doesn’t need to have a ‘picture perfect’ look. I had been using Jim’s workshop as my ‘craft room’ but it’s much nicer to have it right here in the house. It provides a reminder to just pick up a brush or a glue stick and play around with it for a while. Sometimes it’s the little things that make a difference.
“I used to love September, but now it just rhymes with remember.”
~Dominic Riccitello
For the past 15 years, September’s arrival has felt rather ominous … my body just seems to know what is coming even before my brain registers it … the memories flood back … that last September with Vern was so very hard … and now I add my memories of Jim’s last September. I choose to embrace them. I write privately about them to get the hard stuff out. And I try to give myself some love for the way I was able to care for both of my men during their final month.
And then I am reminded that I’ll be spending this September attending Camp Widow in Calgary. All those precious widowed people in one place. I’ll love seeing some familiar faces, but I’m also looking forward to meeting new friends. The ‘We Have a Widowed Person for That’ session helps to connect attendees with others who experienced the same type of loss. Perhaps there will even be another two-time widowed person there. If not, I’ll join the Widowed by Illness/Cancer table. I checked out the workshop schedule and signed up for the ones I think I want to attend. They have tracks for Newly Widowed (first year of loss), Recently Widowed (1-3 years), Middle Widowed (3-5 years) and Seasoned Widowed (5 years and more). I wasn’t sure where I belonged so I dug into each of the workshops and decided Recently would probably fit me best. I’m not new at this and I’m already aware of the resources that are available to those who are in their first year after loss – but seasoned didn’t feel right either since I am feeling my second loss. The good thing about Camp Widow is you can change your mind if a session isn’t quite the right fit. The speakers are aware and fully support that attendees may come and go, as needed.
If you’ve never attended Camp Widow, some of the sessions that I plan to attend may not be what you expected Camp would offer:
- Early Morning Yoga
- The Nervous System and Grief Building Capacity After Loss (introduction to polyvagal theory)
- Introduction to Qigong and Tai Chi Ch’uan: Self-Care Strategies in Widowhood
- Line Dancing – Selfcare Through Music and Movement
- Permission to Laugh, a Comedic Presentation
This will be my 25th Camp! I started volunteering at my very first one in 2011 and ended up becoming a full-time volunteer at each of the subsequent Camps for the next ten years. Because of my volunteer duties I was unable to attend workshops so I’m going to jump back in as a new Camper and see what it’s like fifteen years later.
