Traditions, Rituals, and Memory Making
Where do we begin?
How does one start a new tradition or ritual for one’s self or for a family?
How does making memories help?
As holidays appear and then move on, how do we fill the empty place where our person is missing?
GRIEF
I had my own notion of grief.
I thought it was the sad time that followed the death of someone you love,
and you had to push through it to get to the other side.
But I’m learning there is no other side…
There is no pushing through.
Rather, there is:
Absorption.
Adjustment.
Acceptance.
And grief is not something you complete; it is something endured.
Grief is not a task to finish and move on.
It is an element of yourself — an alteration of your being.
A new way of seeing.
A new dimension of self.
–Gwen Flowers
What images evoke the way we want to honor our person at the holidays?
One meaningful ritual has us setting an empty place at the table for our person. Guests at the meal drop notes of memories or words of love and thereby include our person in a meaningful way.
Traditions, Rituals, and Memory Making are Connectors.
Traditions from our own childhoods provide a model of how to keep old ways of being while also adding new ones organically over time.
Rituals are tiny rememberings we bring to life with action. Metaphors that feel right to us are a good place to start. Lighting a candle, playing their favorite songs, or cooking a meal they enjoyed. Rituals create a mood to provide an outlet for the many strong feelings within us.
New memories can be connected to old memories. It’s okay not to rush into new memories. Decorating the Christmas Tree, for some, can follow the “map” of countless times we may have done that with our person. Maybe we keep it as close to the same as it was for the first few times around. When ready, we might try small adaptations. Nuanced ways of doing the same thing from the past help us to make a few new memories in our new, but different, present.
A question to take into our holidays: “Who will be my partner in grief this year?”
A partner in grief is someone who is also grieving who can pick up the phone if we need encouragement or a dose of courage.
How do we find that person?
My imagination suggests . . . AN AD!
(such as the one that Mary Poppins found flying out of the Banks Family chimney!
WANTED
Holiday Helper with Widowed Skills;
Good listener; Understands how hard the holidays can be for widows and widowers;
Skilled with the timing of “just checking in” or “you’ve got this” messages;
Brave in the face of tears;
Patient and Understanding.
Compassionate souls only.
Apply at XYZ-456-7890.
Oops!
I think I accidentally created a tradition!
May you be tender with yourself.
May you know that somehow you are stronger than you know.
May you reach out and allow a friend to help.
Blessed holidays to you, my friends.
Keep going.
It does get better.
xo-Kathie
