Last Friday our local Kona Hospice hosted their annual Circle of Remembrance event at Hulihe’e Palace. I didn’t go last year; I think it was all just too raw for me then, but this year I felt myself drawn there. I’ve been taking part in their grief counseling services for over a year now which is free for spouse and child loss. We are incredibly…
My Heart
My heart is raw. It breaks open easily. It doesn’t take much. Another memory of the life I lost when Mike died. Another tragic story from another new member of our terrible club. Another heartbreak from a fellow widow having made the effort to find new love and life and been hurt. Another day of pain and sadness in a friend’s ongoing attempt to…
A Molten Grief
We here on the Big Island – as others around the world now too – are watching in awe, horror and sadness as Pele, the Hawaiian goddess of the volcano, marches her molten walk through the community of Pahoa. It is indeed a big island; I live far, far away from that and am quite safe, but we who live here feel a kinship with our neighbors. We all…
It’s Complicated
Recently I’ve had people say to me, when they learn I’ve been widowed, well, you know he’ll always be with you. I know they say that with all the best intentions…and in a way, I agree, because yes, he will always be in my heart. But it’s not as easy as that. Regardless of what my personal spiritual beliefs are, saying something like that can…
A Fork in the Road
I spend a lot of time these days thinking about what it was like to have Mike around. I find myself lost in this dreamland of days gone by – not really remembering anything in particular, not necessarily a specific memory of something we did together – I just find myself trying to grasp that mindspace where he still existed. What it felt like when…
Connections
I’ve been writing here for nearly six months now and even though there are days I have trouble figuring out what to share…days I don’t want to write anything at all…I think that is to be expected, considering the subject matter, and that I’m not alone in this. I’ve not yet had the pleasure of meeting the other six widows posting here. I hope…
Junk Mail
Today I grabbed the mail from the mailbox, saw it was mostly junk, and tossed it on the floor of my car as I sped off downtown for a few errands. Stopped at a stoplight I looked down and noticed a flyer from our local vision center which said brightly, we miss seeing you! Specials now…etc, etc. I thought for a moment…huh. They miss me? I…
Counting Time
Today is 19 months and one week since Mike died. How long am I going to count like this? Forever? Is this just the widowed way to measure time? I seem unable to think about it any other way, and I have yet to hear any other widow’s experience being any different. So many of my conversations these days start with either when Mike was alive… or…
Whisper of Ghosts
I’m going to die. Someday, yes, I’m going to die. I didn’t think much about death before Mike died; probably, many of us never do, until or unless we’re hit with that horrific reality of losing someone so close to us. Now, it seems to be constantly on my mind. The trying to make sense of the reality that he is really gone forever…and that…
Life Lag
The past few days since I got home from my trip I’ve been struggling to readjust to a 10 hour time difference. My sleep has been both in fits and spurts, and long and heavy, and at weird times. But when I woke up this morning after a solid nine hours my first thought was, ok, maybe I’m starting to catch up now, and can get back to normal pretty…
Far and Away
The past two weeks I’ve been on a trip – a week with my folks in Virginia, and as this posts, I’m finishing up another week in the UK visiting my new guy’s family. I am sad that Mike and I didn’t travel more together. We did visit my family in Virginia a few times, and he was mesmerized by the place – the lush vegetation, the history – the…
A Momentary Lapse
I said to my stepdaughter yesterday after another conversation about some of the fallout in our lives since her Dad died, wow, we’ve learned so much about grief. It’s not something we asked for, but now we understand things like what to say and what not to say to people in mourning. And we can relate to other people who are experiencing loss, with…