Here we are at yet another milestone, which I find myself doing alone. I have been in full-on preparation mode for the last two weeks as I get ready for the twins’ kindergarten open enrollment. Even though I had spent some time prepping and doing research last year, it didn’t hit me as hard as it did these last two weeks. They are about to go to kindergarten. Where did the time go? It didn’t seem like such a big deal when I was looking into things last year, but the pit in my stomach grew stronger as the days came closer to open enrollment. All the thoughts of having to go through another big milestone without Erik bounced around in my head on repeat. Another thing I had to tell myself to be strong for because the only way is through. Getting them through this. Getting us through this. A milestone that is as exciting as it is scary and as excited as I am for them to begin this new journey in their childhood I also can’t help but feel even more alone. Alone as I fill out these applications myself. Alone as I put together all the paperwork myself. Alone as I prep all the things that come with starting this new chapter in their lives myself.

I couldn’t help but think about everything Erik and I had envisioned for them for this milestone. I remember the two of us talking about what we wanted to do, and where we wanted to be as if it was yesterday. Even how we would be as parents of kindergarteners. How important their childhood was to us. And how hard lately it had been to keep that vision a reality, all alone. As they get older I worry more about how they will handle understanding the concept of death at what will probably be a younger age than most kids would learn about death. And because they are directly affected by it. As they begin this new school journey I’m sure the question of where their dad is will be more prevalent. Leading to more questions about where is daddy and what happened to daddy. And those are questions I still don’t know how to fully answer for them at this age. So as I settle into what will become our new journey I can’t help but take it day by day as I try to manage this sea of emotions.