What took me to stories about widowed folk around the world?
Just returned from a mini-vacay where I had no responsibilities other than showing up for the fun. Arriving home to my regular routine, settling into the normal challenges of my post-Dan-life, I found myself wondering about the lives of widowed people from societies much different from my own.
I cannot recall the question I googled. What came up was Hawa, the 23 year-old widow whose lovely face is featured here. It was a window into the wide range of differences for all who walk the widowed path.
Here are just a few stories that arrived in response to my inquiry:
Hawa, 23, was eight months pregnant when her husband was killed in the fighting in the Central African Republic (CAR). Her father and brother were also killed and her mother disappeared, leaving her completely alone. She fled and crossed into Cameroon, becoming a refugee at the Gado camp, where she gave birth to a son, Haphisi Ibrahim. Photo: UN Women/Ryan Brown
Rosalia Tuyuc Velásquez, from San Juan Comalapa, Guatemala, has not seen her husband since 23 May 1984, when he was captured by the army during the 36-year-long armed conflict between the military and guerilla groups that killed at least 200,000 people, mostly indigenous. “I looked for him in hospitals, on the streets and in prisons. I never found him,” says Velásquez, who, more than 35 years later, is still searching for his remains. (Explainer: What you should know about widowhood.)
Today, as armed conflicts, displacement and migration, and the COVID-19 pandemic leave tens of thousands of women newly widowed and many others whose partners are missing or disappeared, the unique experiences and needs of widows must be brought to the forefront, with their voices leading the way. (Ibid)
Rosalina Tuyuc Velásquez, (second from left) a human rights activist and co-founder of a widows association in the municipality of Comalapa, Guatemala has spearheaded the construction of a memorial for victims of the conflict in Comalapa. It’s called the “Center for the Historical Memory of Women”. Photo: UN Women/Ryan Brown
“Historical memory, or collective memory, refers to the fluid way by which groups of people create and then identify with specific narratives about historical periods or events, sometimes based on present circumstances. Historical memory involves a collection of familial memory, religious memory, and national memory.”
What happened to me?
What happened to us?
How does it impact my daily life?
How do the facts of their loss impact their futures?
I appreciate the impact of recognizing what is asked of others whose circumstances stand in contrast to my own, such as
Sudden, unexpected death (mine being death from illness over many years)
Death by suicide.
Pregnant and widowed.
And it boggles my mind how in places where war, famine, and murder are common, the contrast is even greater, such as
Widows being stripped of their land.
Separated from their children.
Facing restrictions on their dress, diet, and mobility for years after the death of a partner.
Closer to home, in Long Beach, California, a widowed massage therapist supported her son’s life and education thousands of miles from home, by working on a cruise ship . . . her pride that he will soon graduate from college she shares with a full heart. “We mothers have to do such things.”
A few miles from Ensenada, a woman who lost her mother shared what a gift it was to witness mothers and daughters sharing joyful times on the dance floor. Loss in one of its many faces.
There were surely other widowed folk I did not meet, each making their way through their own unique journey.
The beautiful gift of Soaring Spirits allows us to meet and share with widowed people in all the places.
The mini-vacay included close proximity to two such souls. Two young widows (bearing under sudden death and the suddenness of death that illness brings) brought together through caring people in their lives. Awkwardly reaching out from their individual misery—not knowing if or how they could be helpful to each other. Meeting in person and trusting that somehow this will help. This is the deep medicine of Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation. These two will soon celebrate their 20th BFF-anniversary. Their story of support and friendship gains strength with time and continues to amaze me.
Alike or different, one thing binds us: The loss of our person.
The widows Hawa and Rosalina remind me to hold widowed people around the world in my heart while Soaring Spirits invites me to hold close those who are in my own backyard.
The stories of widowed people worldwide spark within me a new tenderness for those near and those far away.
And it helps me to be tender with the broken side of myself as the years unfold before me.
“Courage, dear heart.”
by C.S. Lewis in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
Image by Gytis Bukauskas via unsplash.com
About Kathie Neff
Kathie Neff was widowed on April 15, 2021. She and her beloved husband, Dan, were high school sweethearts and enjoyed dancing and riding horses together. They lived in gratitude, hope and forgiveness for 50 years and nine months when Dan passed quietly late at night, surrounded by their seven children who, with Kathie, were caring for him in their family home.
Dan and Kathie have been a part of Camp Widow and Soaring Spirits International since its inception, as members of Michele Neff Hernandez’s cadre of helpers from the Neff family.
Kathie believes strongly in the strength and bond that is the gift of community and brings a heart of love for all who have been affected by death and dying.
