Today is Tony’s birthday and he would be 49 years old. This is the 5th birthday we’ve spent without him. It’s still so weird we aren’t celebrating our birthdays together.
I felt like I spent most of today in a bit of a fog. On the outside, no one would realize today is a hard day for me.
I completed my workday and even tolerated a few early birthday messages for me. (We announce birthdays for the week on Mondays.) It’s weird to have someone wish you an early birthday on a day you should be celebrating your late husband.
This evening, I managed to throw together a quick dinner for the kids and me. They didn’t remember today was Tony’s birthday. Although they know when it is and that our birthdays are close together, they don’t always register the exact date. When we sat down to dinner I debated if I should remind them. But one of the kids had fallen asleep after school and was a zombie at the table so I opted not to say anything today.
I don’t know if it was the right call to not remind them. Sometimes our bodies remember these dates without a verbal reminder. They have a lifetime of November 2nds to remember their dad, so it’s okay to not dwell on this one.
For me, it’s just been a hollow sort of day. My brain is foggy and slow to react. There is an ache in my heart for the man I miss so much. I would give anything to hear his infectious laugh and be held in his arms. Tears could spring forth with any provocation, but I’ve moved unobtrusively through the world today.
So today, I miss him quietly and alone.
Happy Birthday Dear.
