A repost! Last week the twins and I returned from my first solo flight with them since Erik’s passing. I had been anticipating this flight for quite some time. All the worries that come with being a solo parent at home seemed so trivial compared to all the worries I had about traveling alone with them. How would I handle both at the airport? How would they do going through security? Will they listen on the plane? What if they both run in opposite directions? And most of all, how was I going to handle their stroller, two car seats, our pieces of luggage, and them all at the same time? These questions bounced around my mind ever since I had even considered traveling with them again. But it was time to take the leap. I couldn’t let my fears stop me from traveling with them. Mostly when traveling, and traveling with them has always meant so much to Erik and me.
As I started prepping for this trip I noticed that the anxiety that always came in full force before most of my trips wasn’t there. Yes, I had worries about how I was going to handle them alone on this trip, but the deep anxiety that would sit in the pit of my stomach was missing this time. And noticeably missing. As the days got closer to departure I thought it would eventually come. But it didn’t. Why was this so? So I thought back about my other trips since Erik had passed. I realized that my anxiety really came when I was taking a trip without the twins. The reality of the twins having a solo parent always lingers in the back of my mind. Am I enough for them? What a shame they will miss out on having a life with their dad. The thought of being the last parent standing for them scares me to my core. Not for only myself, but for them. For their life and their future. Living without one parent is more hurt in a lifetime than any child deserves. And so the anxiety before a trip would build as I realized I was going to be away from them for however long that trip was. And those thoughts would settle in and sit, not only for the preparation but the duration of the trip. But this trip was different. That anxiety was non-existent because for this trip they would be walking right alongside me.
And so it began. I pulled the car into a parking spot at the airport. Intrigued to see how I was going to accomplish carrying everything in myself, I got out of the car and said to the twins, “Okay babes, mama has a lot to carry. I’m going to need your help okay? You gotta put on your best listening ears!” Charlotte responded to me with, “Okay mama, we can help you!” And Wyatt goes, “Yeah mama, we will help you!” So I got Charlotte out of the car seat first and we walked over to grab Wyatt out. As I’m undoing Wyatt’s buckle he puts his hand on my hand and says, “I will help you, mama, because we a team! I always help mama!” And just like that the corners of my eyes filled with water as I looked at this sweet boy looking up at me with his biggest smile. And I answered back at him trying to hold back the tears, “Yes babe, we are a team and we always will be.” My heart melted and all the anxiety just went away. Then and there I knew the three of us would be okay and we would be able to get through anything as long as we had each other. I forget the power that words can hold sometimes, mostly when they come from someone still so innocent and pure.
We got on our way and made it to Seattle, then Vancouver. The twins had a blast in both places and all the worries I had about traveling as a solo parent with them disappeared. Was it still hard and tiring? Yes. 100%. Doing anything as a solo parent is hard and tiring, but it doesn’t mean it’s not doable. And I did it. I’ll take this as a win any day. It showed me that it wasn’t just about traveling, but it was about traveling with them. This trip made me realize just how badly I want to take them everywhere with me, when possible, as it had been when Erik was here with us. It was exactly the realization that my heart needed. Sometimes I forget to acknowledge what truly amazing kids the twins are because it feels like I’m always in the trenches of solo parenting. But this trip validated something I already knew. That I still had a wonderful team. A wonderful team that Erik and I had created, together, even if our team looks different now.
