This past weekend the twins and I had the privilege of being part of my cousin’s wedding. She’s one of my best friends and my soul sister. I found that weddings have been particularly hard since Erik’s passing. It’s always a harsh reminder that the person we have lost is not there with us. But it’s not just our person that is no longer there, the future we imagine and should have had with our person is no longer there. And to be at an event where the future of what is to come and the new journey of love that is to be embarked upon is at the forefront of what is being celebrated makes it even harder. Even as the years, months, and days pass by and with each wedding I attend, it never seems to get easier, even as happy as I am for the couple whose wedding it is. But this was different. Yes, it was hard in the sense that each day was hard without Erik, but this was a different feeling than other weddings without him. I expected to feel happiness for the couple like I normally do at weddings, but still have the deep sadness of my person and the love of my life being gone, amplified as it normally is at events like these. Yet, I felt so much joy and happiness for my cousin on this day. And that dark wedding cloud that has been following me at every other wedding since he took his last breath just wasn’t there this time. It was the first time since his passing that I attended a wedding where I actually felt him right there with us. I felt his presence as I walked down the aisle as Matron of Honor. I felt his presence as our daughter walked down the aisle as the Flower Girl. And I felt his presence as our son walked down the aisle as the Ring Bearer. I could just so clearly imagine his bright smile radiating his happiness for my cousin. He had as much love for my cousin as I did. She was the first one to know about our relationship and she has been there from the very beginning and every step of the way. I recall him talking about how he knew they would be the next ones to get hitched in our family and how excited he was just talking about it. And I know, as he’s looking down on us now from above, how grateful he would be to both of them for being there for me and the twins from the moment he was gone and for everything they have done for us since. And maybe that’s why my anticipation of having the dark wedding cloud looming over the day never came. Yes, it was still hard and I still ugly cried, but I ugly cried tears of happiness. And anytime I thought of Erik that day it was thoughts of how much he would love this and how happy he would be, as I am. How he would have loved seeing his twins running to the dance floor as soon as the party started and dancing all night without a care in the world, just like he used to. How he would have loved to be surrounded by our big, crazy, wild, but full of love family. How he would have loved to see me truly dancing (and even singing!) again on that dance floor with some of the people that I love most in this world. How he would have loved to see this couple we love so much, celebrate their happily ever after. And that was the very first time since his passing that I actually felt him by my side at a wedding. That presence of his, that could be felt for miles, just standing right there by my side. That presence of his, just standing right there by our family.
