I am not going to lie, this one is a tough one for me to write, like I really had to think about it long and hard.

Before the massive earthquake that decimated my life, AKA the death of my husband, I was the eternal optimist, the happy-go-lucky (most times 😆), borderline toxically positive person, and the social butterfly.

We had a practice in our family at bedtime, before prayer, to name at least one thing we were grateful for. “There is always something to be grateful for,” I’d say. 🙏🏽  Well, all of that was completely stripped from me when mi amor died 🖤.

The Feelings of Loss

The first couple of years were just ridden with anger, deep sadness, a feeling of isolation, and complete disorientation.

I felt like I was drowning in an angry ocean, at night, enthralled in a raging storm determined to keep me under. It took so much for me to come up for air. Most times I felt deep underwater, unable to breathe, incapable of moving in any direction no matter how hard I tried, entertaining the thought that maybe it would be better to surrender to the storm, stop fighting it, and drown. And every time I made it above water, another massive wave would push me way down into the darkness, the silence, and the foreignness of the deep ocean.

I felt like the captain of a sinking ship in the middle of that raging storm, suddenly alone and responsible for steering it and keeping it afloat, keep the rest of us alive while severely injured and with no training.

I felt like a punching bag that, as soon as it bounced back from one jab, got hit by a left hook or uppercut over and over again.

Nope. I did not have an “attitude of gratitude.” I did not feel “too blessed to be stressed,” or like “everything happened for a reason.”

Fast-forward to almost mid-year in my third year of widowhood. I still have those days, but I have also started to be more intentional about looking for and trying to find the gifts in this 💩 show.

I had tried before, but it just became really messy in my head. My brain would find every reason not to be thankful for the things I could name. It was extremely confusing and infuriating, to say the least, so I’ll spare you the therapy session.

 

The Gratitude Muscle

In restarting the exercise of this gratitude muscle, I have identified a few gifts…

🎁 The Regalo of Perspective:
The really important things, people, and goals in life suddenly became very clear to me. The unimportant ones did too, and I have been working ever since on letting go of what, and who, doesn’t add to our lives. Too much has been taken already.

💝 The Regalo of Discernment:
It really has been a gift to discern which relationships, people, and experiences I want our kids and myself to give our precious time to. It’s actually liberating. It has been a gift to watch our kids realize that too, and to be unapologetic about it. We have no energy or space for fakeness, toxicity, or joy-stealers.

🎁 The Regalo of YOLO’ing:
Not the wisest filosofía, maybe, but the only one that feels true and brings joy to me, to us, these days 🤷🏻‍♀️. I’m not completely irresponsible, but more often than not, if it sounds fun, I will say yes. So far, this has granted me a lot of exhilarating experiences, and I can’t wait to feel that again. To feel something other than pain.

💝 The Regalo of No Filters:
I’d like to say that I am pretty diplomatic, but some filters have been irreparably removed. Like the filter for the F’s of life 🤬. Not super proud of this one, but honestly, for some or most experiences in this journey, there is no word in my vocabulary other than the F word to most accurately describe it. Saying the F word has become an exercise in catharsis for me.

Not done yet

I realize that this list is not over.

I realize there will be days when some things will be scratched off this list.

I realize that every day I may feel differently about this list, and I am okay with that.

I choose to believe that this list can, and will, keep growing as the weeks, months, and years go by.

And for that, I am grateful. ❤️‍🩹

Hasta la próxima! Until next week✌🏼Peace.