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The Grief Summit

Posted on: September 14, 2019 | Posted by: Bryan Martin

I haven’t written in a couple of weeks. I could say I’ve been busy but really it is because I didn’t feel inspired to write. Writing for me is very specific. I have to feel I need to write to portray an aspect of my life that might help another. I don’t want to just write anything to have something written. There is an emptiness to that method. There was another reason hanging in the shadows and distracting me from being in the moment. I was gearing up for a professional conference that I was going to present at. Was it the presentation? No and yes. The last time I saw all of these people was 2 years ago when Tin was texting me he thought he had the flu. I wish he had gone to the doctor right than but he waited for me to get home. There is unnecessary guilt here, regardless if it is warranted, it is here. Had I only been home, had I only picked a career that didn’t take away valuable time from him. Had I only solved it sooner than he would be here and I wouldn’t be headed to a grief summit.

 

I knew it was coming. I knew I would see friends and old coworkers that wanted to express their condolences. I knew there would be people who hadn’t heard and would ask how he was and than I’d have to tell them of my loss, which would cause them to feel guilt for asking and I would have guilt for sharing. This was going to be a mountain of emotional experiences. It all came to fruition. Each day was peppered with conversations about how I was holding up. How did I do it? How could I always be so positive? My response was a bit shocking but it was the truth…

“The outside doesn’t always match the inside.”

That caused a variety of responses from silence to people asking me if I needed to seek help and if I was “having bad thoughts”. No. No I am not thinking of joining Tin, The Universe will decide that it is time but your grief goes to such a deep level when someone brings that touchy topic up. Sometimes I feel like a court jester juggling all of these emotions. I guess now I understand the tears of a clown.

I made it through the check-ins but what I didn’t make it through was a simple joke, a side comment meant to jest the jester. It was a comment that would have me laugh at any other time. A simple joke about me being 40 and time was fading to find a husband sent me over the edge. The entire weight of the trip was unbearable. I immediately walked outside, sat on the cement stairs and began to sob. Friends came to my aid realizing that the inside couldn’t be held at bay by the outside. It’s a game of Jekyll and Hyde. As hard as you try, the beast demands attention and freedom.

Once the storm was out of my system, I put my brave face back on and carried on as though the breakdown was just a dream. With the conference over, I piled my stuff in my car and got in the driver’s seat. I took a deep breath and began to sob. This was the first conference I would be heading back to an empty home…

Categories: Widowed, Widowed Memories, Widowed Milestones, Widowed Emotions, LGBTQ+ Widowed

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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