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The Dress

Posted on: April 11, 2023 | Posted by: Kathie Neff

From the Funeral

A cute black dress came forward right on time. I was shopping (alone) for something to wear to the funeral for my husband of fifty-one years, nine months. I don’t enjoy shopping, so procrastination prevailed until the 11th hour. This smart black dress with just the right amount of sleeve and buttons down the front below the v-neck was more than adequate. It was kind. It brought itself to me in my time of need; sturdy, but feminine; comfortable yet suitable, and just the right price.

My granddaughter proclaimed it “cute” with sincere enthusiasm; a welcome note of positivity on the eve of a most important and long-awaited event. Pandemic conditions delayed the service one year, though privately we sent him off with song and story, fire & ash. On the day of the funeral we would bury his ashes.

A strong practicality guides my choice of clothing.

Comfort is essential. I avoid dowdy looking things, except to work in the yard. Some say that I am too old for cute. I disagree. I believe we are never too old for cute.

dresses in a closet, one of which is black
Image courtesy of Priscilla Du Preez via unsplash.com

When I returned home after the funeral, I could not see myself wearing that dress in the future. I remember thinking, “too bad that dress is so cute since I will probably never wear it again.”

For months it lay in a paper bag in my closet, awaiting the cleaners’ magic which eventually occurred.

Fast forward to April 2023.

I have actively pursued an up-close and personal relationship with my grief. I’ve taken advice from other widowed folk and from authors through many books. I’ve attended several Camp Widows and participated as much as I am able with a Soaring Spirits Regional group in Orange County. The journey I’ve traveled has brought me to move in close with my grief rather than try to avoid it. Making a commitment to write this blog each Wednesday helps immensely as I seek words to map the process of grief over days, weeks, months, and years. For the most part, all is well with my world.

I have wrestled with the angel of grief and I am getting stronger.

On Easter Sunday, I pulled my dress from the cleaner’s wrap; its black motif a contrast to most spring dresses. With a multi-colored scarf, in imitation of colored eggs, I sent a message to death: You will not win.

Call it a private protest.

Call it a secret message to the Universe.

Call it whatever you like. I wore the dress from my husband’s funeral to say to death,

You do not win.

Love wins everytime and today I feel that in my bones.

Long live love.

Categories: Newly Widowed, Widowed, Widowed and Healing, Widowed Milestones, Widowed Emotions, Uncategorized

About Kathie Neff

Kathie Neff was widowed on April 15, 2021. She and her beloved husband, Dan, were high school sweethearts and enjoyed dancing and riding horses together. They lived in gratitude, hope and forgiveness for 50 years and nine months when Dan passed quietly late at night, surrounded by their seven children who, with Kathie, were caring for him in their family home.

Dan and Kathie have been a part of Camp Widow and Soaring Spirits International since its inception, as members of Michele Neff Hernandez’s cadre of helpers from the Neff family.

Kathie believes strongly in the strength and bond that is the gift of community and brings a heart of love for all who have been affected by death and dying.

Long live love. XO

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