A week ago, I was wrapping up a long weekend with my widow squad. Ten of us, who over the last 4 years, built a bond at Camp Widow San Diego.
The Camp Widow format change was our catalyst to adjust how we show up for each other. For us, Camp had begun to serve as the gathering place. It was easy with the date and location predetermined. But we were no longer fully utilizing all Camp had to offer, instead you could mainly find us poolside during the day. I even heckled one of our crew calling her a ‘Good Widow’ for still attending a variety of breakouts.
We could have let our friendship stay in the text only arena, checking in now and then. But somehow, we managed to pick a weekend that worked for all 10 of us and we made it happen. Our location this year was Palm Springs, and it was perfect. One of our squad-mates is a resident there and she did a fantastic job planning.
The basis of our bond is that we all lost our partners to suicide. Although we are so much more than how our loved ones died. It is a complicated grief that many don’t understand. Our experiences surrounding our loved one’s death is the same yet widely varied. The shared circle of trust we have developed over the years is indescribable. There is something so healing about sitting next to any of them.
We set the bar high this trip. A few handed out Squad merch and glass hearts. We spent the first day poolside, catching up and probably making our non-widow lounge neighbors uncomfortable. The next day we tackled a small hike and made a mini cairn at the top of our climb. (Before anyone comes after me, we did take it down afterwards.) There was plenty of good food and dancing in the evenings. On our last night, we were treated to a home cooked meal and our own grief circle. We started at the dinner table and eventually moved to the firepit where we made s’mores with marshmallows that read ‘Death Sucks’.
Death does in fact suck. If I must do life without Tony, I’m glad to do it with my Squad. It’s weird to be grateful for this group of people and the OG Camp Widow Sand Diego that brought us together. But life is weird and here we are. 
