Widow's Voice

Softly Spoken~

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Stay with me, my beloved husband.

Don’t leave me.

I don’t want to be without you in this life.

Words uttered only in my heart as my hand gently touched your forehead.

As my hand glided over your cheekbones, sharpened by cancer.

As my two hands wrapped around your fingers, stroking your knuckles.

Remembering the strength of your hand wrapped around mine in our lifetime together.

As your spirit slowly faded away from me.

Rest easy, my Love.

Thank you for loving me.

Thank you for showing me how to love.

I will always remember you.

I will make sure that every person I ever meet from here on

Will hear your name from my lips.

Hear who you were to me.

Who I was to you,

And who we were to each other.

I will always remember you.

I’ll always be okay.

I promise.

Just let yourself rest, my beloved.

You are loved.

Slip away when it’s time for you to go.

It’s okay for you to go.

You are loved.

Eyes filled with Love as lips spoke these words aloud.

How could I wish for you to linger on when you were so spent?

So I spoke words that I hoped you would hear even as you traveled on without me.

Words to reassure you,

Words that shattered my heart,

As the very air around us changed and Time ticked minutes and then seconds,

And sacred beauty filled the room,

Even as tears fell.

Where are you, my beloved?

Where did you go?

I don’t know where you are.

You know where I am.

Come find me.

I will wish you into being, as I travel on without you.

Perhaps if I yearn desperately enough for you,

You will return…

Stay with me, my beloved husband.

Don’t ever leave me.

I can’t bear to be without you.

Place your hands upon my shoulders.

Wrap your left behind Love around me.

Let your spirit shine within me.

Let your Love beat strongly in my own heart

Add it to the Love I had for you,

And let our combined Love shimmer and shine so extravagantly

That the world must stop in wonder and awe.

Be with me, my beloved husband,

As I live on, for both of us.

I love you.

I was loved by you.

I carry you with me and within me.

Your Love, my Love, our Love, is my armor.

Chuck Dearing

April 21, 2013

11:21 pm

Alison Miller

About Alison Miller

My beloved husband Chuck died while we were full timing on the road. We’d rented a condo for our stay in southern CA, and I had to leave 3 weeks after his death. All I knew at that time was that I had to find a way to continue traveling on my own, because settling down without him made me break into a cold sweat. I knew that the only place I’d find any connection to Chuck again was out on the roads we’d been traveling for our last 4 years together. I knew nobody out on the road, I knew grief was a great isolator, and I knew I had to change the way I traveled without him, to make it more emotionally bearable for me. So I bought a new car, had a shade of pink customized for it, bought a tiny trailer and painted the trim in pink, learned how to tow and camp, and set out alone. My anxiety was through the roof, and all I knew to trust was the Love that Chuck left behind for me. I found Soaring Spirits early on, thank god, and the connections I made through SS helped ground me to some extent. I needed to know that other widow/ers were out there in my world, because I felt so disoriented and dislocated. Through Soaring Spirits, as the miles added up, my rig taking me north, south, east and west, I found community. I found sanity…or at least I learned that if I was bat shit crazy, I was in good company, and realizing that ultimately saved my sanity. PinkMagic, my rig, is covered with hundreds of names of loved ones sent to me by my widowed community, and I know it isn’t visible to the naked eye, but I’ll let you in on a secret…she actually illuminates Love as I drive down the many roads in our country, and I can see it through my side view mirror. Love does, indeed, live on~

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Comments

  1. AvatarBonnie Rozean says

    Thinking of you on this anniversary.
    Thank you for sharing your story here. I enjoy reading your posts very much. Blessings to you and yours.

    Reply

  2. AvatarAmy Tuso says

    Alison,
    Thank you for writing the beautiful farewell words you gave to your husband. They comforted me, as I had similar images, words, heart-speak, silently and a loud with my husband as he was in his final month and still do daily. My husband passed away on March 28, 2020 from metastasized prostate cancer after a roller coaster year of battling this blasted disease.

    I am finding my way alone after being together for 50 years…but it is difficult. Some days are almost normal but other days can bring me to my knees if I succumb to the intense grief. I find myself “riding the waves” that roll in and curse the undertow when it becomes greater than my strength.

    A short time before his death, he told me that I had a lot of life to live and enjoy ahead of me. I do hold onto that knowing he wanted me to move forward.

    And so… one breathe, one exhale, one step at a time…wrapping myself with love and memories.

    Reply

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