Even though it’s a bit cloudy, it’s a pretty lovely day here in the desert. My roses are budding and blooming, leaves have returned to the trees, there’s a soft breeze, 83 degrees. Spring has most definitely arrived.

And it’s been six months since Jim died.

He created this beautiful backyard, so I always feel him when I’m out there. And I’ve spent a lot of time out there during these past six months.

But going through everything to prepare for his son’s arrival to pick it all up has been hard. It feels like I’m erasing Jim from our home.

So I decided I needed to open up my old blog that I started after Vern died to see what I was posting around the six month time back then. And I found …

It was different back then.

I was different back then.

Back then, I didn’t have to clear or move anything out on anyone else’s timeline. And it was the very first time in my life I was living alone. So I’m not going to compare what I’m doing or feeling now to what I was doing and feeling 15 years ago. It is what it is. I will feel what I’m feeling now. And I will survive.

Now there is one of my old posts I think is worth sharing here. It’s a reminder to me that I can do this. Again.

“You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart … I’ll always be with you.”  Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh

 

I decided I needed to take a break from all of this retrospection, so I headed out to the backyard. And what did I see immediately? A tiny feather. A reminder that Jim is indeed still with me regardless of any of his “things” that are leaving.

That nasty respiratory/bronchial thing has kept me down for 16 days – ugh – but I’m finally feeling almost human again. I’ve been isolating this whole time – not wanting to spread any germs and honestly not feeling strong enough to drive into town.

But I have some obligations this week so I’m going to give it a try to get back into ‘living’ again. Having lunch on Thursday with a few of my old co-workers. Going to watch my ‘almost’ daughter-in-law’s nephew and friend on Friday while the adults have some fun. And I’m going to enjoy The Notebook at The Smith Center on Saturday (yes, I’m sure there will be tears at that one). That’s three straight days of driving into Vegas and back so it’ll be a good test of whether I’m finally really over this thing. Wish me luck!