Fire season in California means updating the emergency backpack in the car. Among the various obvious items I have in it, I also have items for my “elderly” parents – particularly for my Mom’s health needs. We live 8 blocks away from each other, and the times we have had to evacuate, we evacuate together. My Mom passed away two years ago, and I still have not brought myself to take out some of the things have in my emergency car kit for her. Getting rid of the things that reflected intertwined lives and the significant role you played in someone’s life is one of the million ways that grief shows itself. It reminded me of the past 10 years since Lynn passed, and the various physical manifestations that pop up that are reminders of our past journey of intertwined lives. I do not think I got rid of anything the first couple of years after she passed. And I never pushed myself to get to a place of “feeling” like it was time to get rid of something. Over time and very organically, I found myself feeling suddenly comfortable and almost matter-of-fact about getting rid of something I had said previous I would absolutely, positively always keep. These things have included random and unnecessary paperwork of her career (which was a very significant part of of her legacy), clothing (I have since allowed myself to keep a suitcase with her clothing – for now), books, etc. 

I have been working on clutter clearing (endless, constant task…) and trying to settle my home into a place that reflects who I am NOW and who I want to be – as a 50 year old person with 50 years of a beautiful life behind me, and an exciting (manifesting here…) and wonderful new chapter and rest of my life ahead. I am looking at items that were in the “will never get rid of” category differently. I am 1) actually asking myself if I want it, and 2) does it realistically fit in my quite small home? This very new perspective resulted in taking out a dresser that I have used in my very small bedroom since before Lynn passed. It is her parent’s(?) grandparents (?) Old dresser. I do not mind it per se, it has been useful, and I do like the worn wood. BUT, I acknowledged for the first time, I have not loved it, nor does it really fit space wise comfortably in the room. I realized that it has actually irritated me many times over the past 10 years! So yesterday, rather abruptly, I took it out of my bedroom. (Yes, this means I now have a different problem of clothes with nowhere to go…) It allowed me to change my room up, and better accommodate a beautiful console that was my mother’s to fit better in the room. And no, I do not believe I am trading letting go of feeling obligated to keep my late partner’s furniture, and then feeling obligated to keep my late mother’s furniture. I am asking myself, do I really love the furniture I am keeping, and does it reflect current and future me? And also – does it create a space that I actually feel relaxed in? The question of “Am I honoring them?” Is slightly quieter, more like a whisper and less the first and loudest voice in my head.

Regarding that emergency kit backpack in my car thought. I am still not sure if this is the year I will take my Mom’s health items out… maybe a little at a time.