You know I’ve been through all of this before … nearly 16 years ago. The years of heavy caregiving leading to the loss of my love, the emotions, the disappointments, the sadness, the loneliness, the missing. The grief.
And now all of that is on repeat. 8 months out.
Some think this should be easy for me because it’s a repeat.
Well, I would not ever describe these past 8 months as easy. But I will admit that knowing I was able to survive and move forward after losing Vern, allows me to know that I will eventually figure out how to move forward now after losing Jim.
I did not attend Camp Widow in Toronto this past weekend, but I did listen to their Keynote speaker Saturday morning. Julie Martella’s address really spoke to me and I’m going to share a lot of her words here. (You can catch the keynote replay on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5I6nsUyB4bI.)
Julie spoke about three houses:
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Grief
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Survival
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Living
Grief is the house we live in after the loss of our person and all of the emotions and devastation that comes with that.
Survival is the life we did not ask for but have been left to deal with. It was never meant to be our forever home. We can feel comfortable there for a while but it’s important to consider the possibility that we really can get to the future life that is waiting for us. It may not be today or even this year. But it’s important that we don’t stay in ‘survival’ mode just because it feels easier, safer.
The Survival house is our BRIDGE to the future.
Living includes everything we have carried from the Grief and Survival houses. We are allowed to laugh, make plans, do something just for ourselves. We’re allowed to cry, too, since our person no longer has the privilege of being alive. But since we do have that privilege, we need to use the time we have. Honor it. Honor them.
I do know that I can survive being alone and move into really living my life – reinforced because I’ve done it before. But I am now 75 and that ol’ life clock is ticking pretty loudly. How much time DO I have? Is there enough time to make it even worthwhile to seek out some new things to add to my life? I do think I need to not hold myself up to the same level of activity I eventually did after Vern died. To acknowledge I’m older and be realistic about what I’m capable of doing at this point in my life. (Well, I do have a sister who just turned 92, so maybe I do have enough time ….)
So are you surviving … or are you living? Perhaps give it some thought and come up with some things that you might want to try adding to your life … to move you over that bridge. Give yourself Permission to LIVE.
“Live this life you have been given fully, completely and without apology. Living is not a betrayal of your love, living is not forgetting, living is not moving on and letting go. Living is what you get to do because you have the privilege of inhabiting this earth.” Julie Martella
